Maybe I have been unlucky with the cold clinical Therapists or perhaps I experience displaced anger – I’m angry about life, particularly childhood, and process that as being annoyed with the Therapist.
Any kind of therapy conjures memories of childhood, even if I don’t actually mention them. The annihilating emotion and humiliation are so powerful that I struggle to talk about it. I haven’t a clue what there is to be afraid of. Surely, the flash back images are just as painful as they would be if discussed.
At my assessment, we did touch on childhood. It could be that this section of my life will always feel traumatic. Mindfulness – living in the moment – might suggest a way of dealing with such emotion. However, part of me worries that it is burying the past, rather than methodically working through it.
I have faced a handful of traumatic experiences, but most dull into insignificance next to childhood memories. I was a victim of child sexual abuse, bullied relentlessly at school, and sexually taken advantage of during teenage years. My world then fell apart when I became a victim of an attempted murder. I was very lucky to escape with my life, as the assailant is a psychotic multiple murderer. Each year there is a reminder of him by sensationalised tabloid media coverage in the UK. However, despite the trauma of each incident, they somehow feel less traumatic in comparison to early childhood.
Years ago, I did work on telephone counselling lines for HIV & AIDS, Drugs, a number of other Freephone helplines, and Drug Rehab. My experience includes basic counselling training. This does equip me with ability to process a lot of crap. However, maybe it’s not enough.
Years ago, a Therapist said our memories of life are like bulging files in a filing cabinet. After a while, they become jammed packed and messy and, occasionally, we need to bring everything out, discard what is useless, before returning the rest in a neat orderly fashion.
The Therapist I met last week thinks the trauma will always exist. It is about how we process and file the trauma that is the key to a happier existence – Mindfulness being one of them.
It reminds me of a quote
“Letting go is not getting rid of. Letting go is letting things be”
One of the reasons for starting this blog is to write about the traumatic experiences. I may not be capable of discussing them with a Therapist, but writing about them is the next best thing. It might even give me courage to bring them out in therapy. However, the thought is terrifying. Nevertheless, perhaps it will help me move past the childhood trauma, and subsequently allow me space to deal with the other events that affect life today.