Feeling miserable for being miserable

Today I am agitated and a bit depressed.  I know exactly why.  The last few weeks I have not been happy with my close friends – and neighbours – S & T.  I spent weeks cursing under my breath and avoided visiting them.  Image

The little child within, stamped his feet, “I’ll never talk to them again….”

It’s very sad because we have been good friends for 14 years.

This always happens.  I become raging mad and childishly curse and avoid people.  In Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), I think this is what’s called “Splitting Black”.  

I’m not someone who can take this kind of aggro in their stride, or simply wait until the dust settles.  Usually it plays on my mind 24/7.  It feels impossible to see a route back.  When you’re ‘Splitting-Black’, it feels like there is no way back.

This is a rather pig-headed and destructive way of dealing with relationships, but my emotional immaturity is one of the most problematic symptoms of BPD.  It’s not good.

My little Jack is always challenging my mental health.  When he first came to live here, I was dealing with horrendous agoraphobia.  I used to be friendly and outgoing in a ‘previous existence’.  This is something I know needs to change.  

From the start, Jack sure gave me a kick up the ass by insisting on 2-3 hours walk every day. Image His extreme friendliness has also introduced me to many other dog walkers.  I am still agoraphobic but to a much lesser degree. 

Yesterday, I open my front door.  Suddenly, Jack disappears downstairs like a bat out of hell.  I know where he is heading – my neighbours who are being ‘Split-Black’. “No no no…”  I’m shouting after him. “COME BACK…COME…PLEASE!!!”, cringing as his tail disappeared. 

Once again, I knew Jack was kicking my ass!

At first, I stood outside talking to another neighbour.  All the shouting and whistling made no difference, Jack wanted me in there, like it or not.  Strangulation came to mind!

Of course, as soon as I saw S & T, all the barriers of hate and resentments come tumbling down and Jack sits in the middle of the room looking rather pleased with himself.  His eyes are saying, “Another job done”.

I now seem to be on a sort of come down phase from the many weeks of extreme agitation.  This can only mean one thing – Depression.

When depression comes knocking on our door, there is very little we can do to ward it off.  I think most of us become angry and depressed for being in depression. 

I have been learning to “relax into it” – this is the best that can describe how I deal with depression. I stay indoors; don’t do shopping, housework or answering the phone.  It’s probably not the best way of dealing with it, but it is better than feeling miserable for being miserable.

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13 thoughts on “Feeling miserable for being miserable

  1. Ellen

    Jack seems to be an excellent remedy for agoraphobia. 🙂 It’s too bad you no longer feel friendly towards the neighbours – losing friends is depressing in itself. I do some of that splitting also, where I become enraged and obsess. It’s not a fun place to be at all. And I agree you are better off not beating yourself up for how you feel. I hope it gets a little lighter for you soon.

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    1. Cat Post author

      Hi Ellen….Just to let you know, I have posted a comment on your blog today but I think it went straight to spam….aaaaahhhh!!

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  2. Bourbon

    Go Jack 🙂 Know what you mean about the splitting black. Ultimately I can see why the NHS lumped me with the BPD diagnosis. It isn’t my principle diagnosis and misses out on a lot but I definitely struggle with those same difficulties. You’re not alone xx

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  3. Cate Reddell

    BPD is so hard to live with without spending our entire lives hiding from the world in our caves. Go Jack! I know that’s the ‘right’thing to say but I can just picture how much you would have been cringing. I’m glad it worked out ok and that you have Jack to keep you out of that cave.

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  4. dharmagoddess

    You wrote “it is better than feeling miserable for being miserable” and I couldn’t agree more. This is where I have a hard time with others’ selfishness. As if *my* problems create problems for *you*, wtf? Really? That’s compassionate. Next you know you’ll be telling me to “snap out of it”. yeah, ok. Sure.

    Take care of yourself; you know what you need. XO, Dharma

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  5. releasing lunacy

    *giggles* (((hugs Jack))) silly doggie!

    Depression sucks 😦 I can relate to “relaxing into it.” It doesn’t help to fight it -that only makes me feel worse and anxious. Hope you feel better soon.

    Take care,
    rl

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