Feeling miserable for being miserable

Today I am agitated and a bit depressed.  I know exactly why.  The last few weeks I have not been happy with my close friends – and neighbours – S & T.  I spent weeks cursing under my breath and avoided visiting them.  

The little child within, stamped his feet, “I’ll never talk to them again….”. 

It’s very sad because we have been good friends for 14 years.

This always happens.  I become raging mad and childishly curse and avoid people.  In Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), I think this is what’s called “Splitting Black”.  

I’m not someone who can take this kind of aggro in their stride, or simply wait until the dust settles.  Usually it plays on my mind 24/7.  It feels impossible to see a route back.  When you’re ‘Splitting-Black’, it feels like there is no way back.

This is a rather pig-headed and destructive way of dealing with relationships, but my emotional immaturity is one of the most problematic symptoms of BPD.  It’s not good.

My little Jack is always challenging my mental health.  When he first came to live here, I was dealing with horrendous agoraphobia.  I used to be friendly and outgoing in a ‘previous existence’.  This is something I know needs to change.  

From the start, Jack sure gave me a kick up the ass by insisting on 2-3 hours walk every day.  His extreme friendliness has also introduced me to many other dog walkers.  I am still agoraphobic but to a much lesser degree. 

Yesterday, I open my front door.  Suddenly, Jack disappears downstairs like a bat out of hell.  I know where he is heading – my neighbours who are being ‘Split-Black’. “No no no…”  I’m shouting after him. “COME BACK…COME…PLEASE!!!”, cringing as his tail disappeared. 

Once again, I knew Jack was kicking my ass!

At first, I stood outside talking to another neighbour.  All the shouting and whistling made no difference, Jack wanted me in there, like it or not.  Strangulation came to mind!

Of course, as soon as I saw S & T, all the barriers of hate and resentments come tumbling down and Jack sits in the middle of the room looking rather pleased with himself.  His eyes are saying, “Another job done”.

I now seem to be on a sort of come down phase from the many weeks of extreme agitation.  This can only mean one thing – Depression.

When depression comes knocking on our door, there is very little we can do to ward it off.  I think most of us become angry and depressed for being in depression. 

I have been learning to “relax into it” – this is the best that can describe how I deal with depression. I stay indoors; don’t do shopping, housework or answering the phone.  It’s probably not the best way of dealing with it, but it is better than feeling miserable for being miserable.