When Depression is Looming

ImageI have difficulty expressing what MY depression is like or where it comes from.  Free from its grip, it is easy to forget the pain.  When it has me by the throat, articulation is poor.  There is a consistent inability to learn what might keep it at bay or the coping strategies to use whenever it engulfs every sense.  I know they tell us it is not our fault, but the guilt still comes knocking.Image

I have been trying to ignore it for a couple of weeks now.  A dark shadow stalking, waiting for a moment of weakness.

The anticipation feels like a thick mass stuck in my throat.  The increasing negativity antagonises the fear and the agitation.

Reading fellow-blogger, Cate’s, post yesterday, “Unspoken”, was helpful.

http://infinitesadnessorhope.wordpress.com/2013/08/02/unspoken/

Cate wrote that depression is like “an elephant in the room”.  In her case, a Grizzly bear.

This got me wondering what analogy would best describe my own depression.  It would probably be a HUGE longhaired Alsatian dog, sitting in the corner looking passive and obedient.  The stinking matted fur is muffling a continuous low-set growl, emanating from deep within its throat.

People think the dog is harmless; it looks completely submissive and under control.  In reality, the relentless growling controls my soul with fear.  At first, I ignore it.  Sometimes the distractions are enough.  Then there are other times, when the beast is so close, I can smell its pungent breath; feel the manky fur brush against the nape of my neck.

ImageWhen depression is looming, all the other mental problems become more prominent.  I try not to dwell on any particular one – (un)fortunately, I’m a master at avoidance.  There is one emotion that has the power to suffocate every last ounce of fight – DISAPPOINTMENT.

In the last 8 to 12 months, life has been going quite well.  For the first time in 13 years, there was a small glimmer of a future.  Perhaps naively, I was kidding myself that dark depressions might be a thing of the past, that I could ‘get it together’ and create something meaningful and consistent.

Disappointment can trigger a minefield of negativity, like torpedoes pounding weak defenses. Image

I do not know how to deal with depression other than to live with it – almost like surrendering to its filthy clutches.  I can do little about the emotional mush, other than ‘wade through the treacle’.  Everything feels soooo out of my control and maybe that is the most frightening thing of all.

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14 thoughts on “When Depression is Looming

  1. Aife

    I am sorry you are struggling. Depression can and often does take over one’s life and leaves you feeling helpless and completely alone. I just want you to know I/we are here to support you and encourage you in your battle with the great black dog. Hang in there friend.

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  2. A Gay Mentalist

    Hi there, I feel similar on surrendering, feels like there’s nothing much I can do, either that or it’s almost like some sort of horrible autopilot. And I agree also on feeling out of control, that is so hard! Best wishes

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    1. Cat Post author

      Thank you Ellen. I don’t think any of us have the answers, but it means a lot that you are listening. Lol… I also love the little pics!

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  3. surviving here

    Sorry to hear that you are struggling too. Keep writing how you’re feeling in whatever way works for you.
    You’re not alone in this battle either. I understand surrendering to the depression, and that we have to live with it too. It’s those cards we have been dealt…

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    1. Cat Post author

      Thank you for your supportive comment. “It’s those cards we have been dealt…” This reminds me of a quote…
      “We are dealt a hand of cards at birth – it is up to us how we play them”

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  4. releasing lunacy

    Anyone who suffers with depression can relate to what you wrote 😦 It’s a terrible thing! I feel the same way when I’m in the midst of depression… just wade through it. Wait for the worst to be done. You feel like there’s something you should do to pull yourself out of it or prevent it. I haven’t figured it out yet, if there is such a thing. We just keep plodding along. It’s nice though to be able to be here for one another 🙂 to know we’re not alone. So, take good care of yourself and be gentle with yourself! *sending healing thoughts* – rl

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  5. RisingSong

    I like your description about the dog. At times it appears so harmless and under control. Then, when it starts to growl, I too ignore it thinking it will just go away (for if you are the master of avoidance, I am the mother of it). Then, when the distractions are not enough, I succumb and hope that the writing will save me.
    …I hope you are not in too deep.

    PS: I have to confess that I have been quietly enjoying your blog for a few weeks now. I have just been too shy to comment. I think your writing is exquisite, but the little cartoons really add a touch of humor to the sensitive material which you share.

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    1. Cat Post author

      Thank you, that is very kind of you to say about my blog. I appreciate you commenting, it means a great deal and even more so that I know you have been hesitant, until now.

      Fortunately, the depression didn’t sink too far and I am feeling a little better.

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  6. Athena Brady

    Depression is such a debilating experience. Winston Churchill used to suffer from depression and he called it his “Bad Dog Days” I suppose in this way he distanced himself from it, acknowleding to himself and others, that he was much more than, just a depressed person. In his lifetime he achieved many things, imagine what he could have achieved if he didn’t have it.

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