Judging by what fellow-bloggers have written, all of us write posts that blow apart years of silence. Some we publish, while others lay dormant, mirroring the painful memories we harbour in our soul.
There is a compelling urge to hide some content on this blog, or write as many posts to veer everyone’s eyes away from the gender ones.
This train of thought is wrong on two counts….
Firstly, there should be no shame attached to my gender. However, there is little doubt in my mind that SOME people consider a person with gender-identity confusion as some sort of freak.
Secondly, if you think about it, my own attitude towards people with gender identity issues is rather disgusting. It is no better than the bullies who taunted me with their narrow-minded and stereotypical ignorance. The humiliation and shame is like a slap in the face to all those brave people who stand up for their own gender.
Years of sexual abuse sexualised an innocent life. In addition to the gender confusion, I had a growing attraction to the opposite sex from a very early age – about 11 years old. There was nothing to suggest that maybe other like-minded people existed. I was the freak and absorbed every one of those derogatory names.
In retrospect, there was little identity until the age of 12 years old. One day, a teacher pokes fun and calls me something and everyone laughs. It is every bit derogatory as the street names, but somehow I know this word is different, this one is who I am.
It took most of break time to find the word in Mum’s dictionary. There it was, as bold and every bit as valid as all the other words in the book. It was real. Finally, I knew what I was….”Homosexual”.
Being on the receiving end of perpetual abuse in one form or another, there is one emotion that is more difficult than any other – it is humiliation.
Humiliation has steered me away from any admission of sexual abuse until I was well into my 20’s. It has made me deny the bullying and pushed me away from working through issues in therapy. Humiliation made me run from Scotland and keeps me in hiding from the world. Humiliation stands in the way of moving forward.