Humiliation

Judging by what fellow-bloggers have written, all of us write posts that blow apart years of silence.  Some we publish, while others lay dormant, mirroring the painful memories we harbour in our soul.

There is a compelling urge to hide some content on this blog, or write as many posts to veer everyone’s eyes away from the gender ones.

ImageI want to scream from the rooftops, “I’m no longer effeminate, I’m your normal-average-bloke and I do not dress in women’s clothes either”.

This train of thought is wrong on two counts….

Firstly, there should be no shame attached to my gender.  However, there is little doubt in my mind that SOME people consider a person with gender-identity confusion as some sort of freak.

ImageThere has been a consistent image in my head of readers un-following my blog in droves, due to the “weird content” – blog-suicide, if you like.

Secondly, if you think about it, my own attitude towards people with gender identity issues is rather disgusting.  It is no better than the bullies who taunted me with their narrow-minded and stereotypical ignorance.  The humiliation and shame is like a slap in the face to all those brave people who stand up for their own gender.

Years of sexual abuse sexualised an innocent life.  In addition to the gender confusion, I had a growing attraction to the opposite sex from a very early age – about 11 years old.  There was nothing to suggest that maybe other like-minded people existed.   I was the freak and absorbed every one of those derogatory names.

In retrospect, there was little identity until the age of 12 years old.  One day, a teacher pokes fun and calls me something and everyone laughs.   It is every bit derogatory as the street names, but somehow I know this word is different, this one is who I am.

ImageIt took most of break time to find the word in Mum’s dictionary.  There it was, as bold and every bit as valid as all the other words in the book.  It was real.  Finally, I knew what I was….”Homosexual”.

Being on the receiving end of perpetual abuse in one form or another, there is one emotion that is more difficult than any other – it is humiliation.

Humiliation has steered me away from any admission of sexual abuse until I was well into my 20’s.  It has made me deny the bullying and pushed me away from working through issues in therapy.  Humiliation made me run from Scotland and keeps me in hiding from the world.  Humiliation stands in the way of moving forward.

I cannot understand why I feel such painful humiliation, but I do.  Image

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30 thoughts on “Humiliation

  1. Bourbon

    I’m certainly not going to run anywhere from your blog. I’m sorry I never have much to say here but I listen and feel your pain and I’m not going anywhere x

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    1. Cat

      We have nothing to be humiliated about but somehow we do… I cannot understand why we feel humiliation for the wrong doing of others. Thanks Aife

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  2. shoe1000

    I am sad you were bullied.
    I can identify with the gender confusion stuff. I can still go there today if I get scared, lonely, etc.
    Please keep writing. It helps me know that I am not alone.
    Love
    JIm

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      1. survivor55

        Yes,!! I hadn’t thought of it in that term, but I was concerned that no one was reading, would read, would continue to read, etc. when I first started. That’s why I think it’s such a great term!! 🙂

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  3. bpdsufferer30

    No one will unfollow you…..as long as you stay away from attacking people who are supposed to understand you, prime example….my blog from the other day, I wrote about the girl who basically ripped to pieces, other BPD sufferers, even though, she, herself had BPD. She was hurtful, nasty,cruel. You’re not that sort of person. They say we (human race) have to be careful of not copying the behaviour of our abusers, as it’s an inbuilt mechanisim, that we take on the behaviour to protect ourselves from suffering again. Do it to them before they do it to me, sort of behaviours. You recognise little traits, and thats actually a good thing. A, shows your human and B, you’ve recognised it, so you can nip it in the bud, you’ll never turn into your tormentors, because you do know what it feels like, you’ve just got to stop doubting yourself! xxx

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    1. Cat Post author

      Thank you bpd30. Yes, we both had experience of the nasty mind of that particular blogger. TBH, it was like a kick in the gut for me. I still doubt what I read that day and have gone back a couple of times to make sure I hadn’t wrongly interpreted. I then un-followed her blog. My head is too full of my own junk to be dealing with that sort of verbal diarrhoea.

      I direct all the pain and humiliation inwards. I have nothing but admiration for people who stand up to be counted. I write of the past, but I’m at peace with my sexuality and even my gender today. However, it is painful experiences from the past that cause so much pain and humiliation. This is a relatively new realisation – I cannot understand why there is humiliation for my abuse.

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      1. bpdsufferer30

        Again, it’s another human trait, I think only a psychiatrist could answer that for you, but I would hazard a guess (being in a similar place myself) it’s a protective thing, so that no-one can ever do that to you. It’s something that happened to you, that was out of your control, and never being able to talk about it openly, makes you feel the humiliation you felt back then. It’s obviously something, you’ve not really dealt with because it is so raw to you. But if you’re asking questions and starting to talk about it, hopefully, those old feelings of humiliation will disappate as you deal with how your tormentors made/make you feel. You have no reason to be humiliated, I know that doesn’t stop the feelings at the moment, but I must stress, do not let them win! And with the help of myself and your other followers, I’m sure we can get you through it, now that you’re ready to talk about it! xxx

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        1. Cat Post author

          Thanks. What you say makes a lot of sense. I closed down years ago, so it stands to reason that the feeling from back then will be as raw today.
          I’m very grateful for your support

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  4. RisingSong

    Ouch…I am sorry for all those painful years. For you it’s humiliation, for me it’s shame. I still feel that. I must tell you that I might write a post, but I do not feel like I am truly free of the burden that I am writing about until I press the “Publish” button. My writing is raw and painful. Some may read, some may not, but the only important thing is that I am finding a way to express all this pain.

    I hope you are able to do the same here. I, for one, will be reading.

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    1. Cat Post author

      I’m with you on the shame front. I feel like you while writing. Pressing ‘publish’ does bring relief. I’m pleased you’ll be reading, thanks

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  5. myspokenheart

    Cat, shame and humiliation are terrible companions… they will never honor, respect or build you… their soul purpose is to destroy you and keep you in that place of destruction… You need to find the way to let them go… I am sorry that I cannot tell you how… I do not know… everyone of us is different, we have different experiences, different triggers, different secrets… but regardless of your past, your shame triggers, your preferences, etc… you are a precious human being deserving of the same love, respect and fulfillment as every other human on the planet… *hugs*

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    1. Cat Post author

      Thank you msh, your comments are always appreciated. This is a relatively new awareness but I just cannot understand why humiliation… why should we feel shame and humiliation for our painful experiences?…. At the moment, it beats me!

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  6. Borderlion

    I know what you mean, I carry a deep shame inside me that bubbles to the surface when I try to speak about these things. Be proud that you survived this horrible treatment. You are surviving in a world that wanted us to disappear. In time I can only hope we can shrink these feelings until only the pride of survival is left. X

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    1. Cat Post author

      Well said Borderlion. This shame and humiliation is a new realisation. I have absolutely no clue why we should feel humiliation for being abused…..*confused*

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      1. Borderlion

        We *shouldn’t* but I think where it comes from is shame from our abusers (because they didn’t want us to tell anyone) and the fact that we live in a victim blaming society, that tells you every time something bad happens you must have been at fault somehow. It’s a travesty when that’s put on anyone, but especially little kids. X

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  7. Ellen

    I really identified with the ‘blog suicide’ part of this post. The feeling that everyone will run if we talk about certain things. For me it’s being in parts that I experience as humiliating. Sometimes people make jokes, in various places, about this, as if we’re making it up, and we’re just not. Anyway, for you it’s gender identity, and for me how I function, but I think it’s the same shame feelings that are touched on. take care

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    1. Cat Post author

      I usually admire people who are brave enough to be open about ‘parts’. I must be living in some sort of cocoon because, until I started blogging, I had never heard of it. As you know, I’ve had a traumatic childhood and grapple with dissociative issues continually. It is easy to identify with people experiencing ‘parts’

      As always, many thanks for commenting

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  8. brokenbutbeingrepaired

    Hi Cat…’Blog suicide’ is a great term. I am pretty new to blogging and must admit to sharing those thoughts. However, I started my blog for me and have been really fortunate to come across some pretty awe inspiring bloggers (you being one) who continue to boost our confidence enough for me to continue pressing ‘publish’.
    Shame and humiliation for being abused *is* pretty illogical, but it’s clear that when abused, hurt little kids grow up in a society that only talks of abuse in hushed whispers then the shame experienced by abused children that it reinforces the messages of their abusers. (That’s my theory, anyway).

    Will sit beside you for the duration.

    x

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    1. Cat Post author

      ‘Broken’… I am surprised that you are new to blogging. Your blog gave me the impression you were a ‘dab hand’ at all this.

      I cannot believe the lovely people I have met through blogging (you included, of course). It is an amazing tool for user-led therapy. What amazes me even more is just how much I reveal and learn. That is solely due to the influential honesty of all the other blogs I read.

      Thank you for dropping by…

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      1. brokenbutbeingrepaired

        Just checked; my first ever blog post was put ‘out there’ on the 30th May so thank you for the compliment. 🙂

        Ps-maybe more wp probs but have had the same problem you had with my blog, and your posts not being on my reader until tonight.

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  9. releasing lunacy

    Cat, we’re taught to be ashamed when we’re little in ways we don’t understand and in ways those who teach us sometimes don’t even realize. I was told I was fat and in a way that taught me fat was bad. You were told you’re homosexual and in a way that taught you being homosexual was bad. And it happened over and over and over. Until that shame and humiliation roots itself so deeply within our selves it becomes part of us.

    But, I won’t be unfollowing your blog; I don’t care if you reveal you’re a manly woman, womanly man, or transsexual, androgynous, intersex or in between, masculine, feminine or both or neither, homosexual, heterosexual, bisexual, asexual, or any other sexual. I like reading your posts -even though some make me cry. And, I appreciate your support. So, you’re kinda stuck with me.

    Take care,
    rl

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  10. Pingback: the 2013 Nominees – Best Short/Long Story Post (fiction or nonfiction) | The Neighborhood

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