I imagine that every survivor of abuse has awareness for the need to forgive and move on – not for the abusers benefit, but for our own peace of mind. There is desperation to find healing of the hurt, shame and humiliation. At the same point, there is less of a willingness to forgive the perpetrator(s).
How can we find forgiveness in our hearts for people whose self-righteous arrogance cannot admit they were wrong? How can we overcome the anger for our abusers and the impact their actions have on our entire lives? I seem to harbour some kind of mental block against achieving that idealistic state of forgiveness.
At the weekend, something weird happened. I became aware of something important that has completely evaded me, until now. It is an entirely new concept that I cannot quite get my head around. This is where it gets a little weird.
Somehow, ‘to forgive and move on’ does not feel as if it is all my choice.
When my mind wanders into the past, a large part of my consciousness leaves the adult part of me behind. Transported back there, I stand watch over that 3-9-year-old little boy. I can see him clear as day, sitting on the edge of his bed, crying.
I doubt that child is associated with DID, but not entirely sure. It feels as if a part of me grew up, but the eternal child remains a prisoner within the dark corners of my mind. He never gets the opportunity to live through and reach out beyond that trauma.
Therefore, when I say ‘to forgive and move on’ is not entirely my choice, this is what I mean. My gut instinct tells me I need to appeal to the child to forgive those that hurt him deeply. That little boy needs setting free, but I need to find the courage to sit with him, listen to what he has to say and then guide him to freedom through forgiveness. It all feels a bit out my depth.
How do we explain forgiveness to the traumatised child within?