There is no denying, my head has been in a bit of a quandary of late as I grapple with the concept of forgiveness and healing. I seem trapped within painful childhood memories and the subsequent psychological damage weighs heavy. Many of the things I have only just been revealing on this blog for the very first time.
I believe many of us have a burning desire to exorcise the demons, to put a stop to PSH syndrome (Pain, Shame & Humiliation). The forgiveness we seek for our abusers actions are more about finding inner peace for ourselves. The “acceptance” we strive for is the realisation that we can do nothing about our past. Believing that we are not to blame can heal the shame and humiliation. This fuels us toward moving on and ultimately finding inner peace.
I might ponder some words of fellow-bloggers for days. However, each time, there is an indescribable feeling, as if there is some kind of mental block to fully grasping what people are trying to share. Today, I may have stumbled on what that obstacle is.
Somehow, I have been expecting this process of healing to turn the painful memories into bearable ones – as if all of a sudden, I would no longer have the same traumatic memories from childhood and that this newfound healing might dispel all the anger and disgust for some of my parent’s actions. I am not sure if that is achievable after all.
Perhaps there are some things in life that we are not able to find complete forgiveness. Somehow, forgiving the abuser feels a bit like excusing their behaviour. No matter how much we come to terms with our past, those memories might always be painful.
I’m wondering if it is more about learning to sit with our pain and how we process it throughout the rest of our lives. This is no longer about the abusers. They will seldom admit their disgusting behaviour or strive to make things better. Indeed, they are even less likely to change. This journey of survival is all about US.
Maybe it is all about nurturing the child within and forgiving ourselves for the people we became as a direct result of the abuse – of finding enough acceptance to believe that none of the abuse was our fault, obliterating the deep shame and humiliation.