It hurtles towards me like a tornado. Nothing can stop it; I know for sure its sheer power will strike hard. It takes over, almost like a demonic possession, ruthlessly suffocating every waking hour.
Once ignited, my mood can continue for days. At times, nothing else exists. Daily events act like interruptions to full-throttled-anger. An obsessive mind relentlessly ruminates over the causes.
Unfortunately, for me – fortunately for everyone else – I prefer not to hurt other people’s feelings. There are no outbursts of fury.
Like a controlled explosion, the anger erupts within.
Being a “motormouth”, I cannot keep it shut. Confrontation is inevitable, but only when there’s enough control to appropriately express objection and, more importantly, win the argument.
About 12-18 months ago, my new Psychiatrist told me I have a Borderline Personality Disorder. I am not the kind of person who reads everything about their mental health, so know very little about Borderline. However, there is a general awareness of the symptoms surrounding intense, often inappropriate, anger. People often refer to it as “Borderline rage”.
People with BPD can over react to situations that appear trivial to someone else. They often express their anger inappropriately or, like me, direct the fury inward, which can manifest as self-destructive emotions and behaviour.
According to About.com, specialists studying BPD have only recently become interested in researching “Borderline rage”. Apparently, the studies examined anger in people with a BPD compared to people without.
The research concludes that people with BPD have the same level of anger as everyone else. The difference is that people with BPD tend to hold onto their anger and may even seethe for a considerable length of time. Whereas, those without BPD usually move on a lot quicker.
True to form, I have been seething for three days. Like an old witch (or wizard) sitting by the cauldron, ruminating and cursing the offender(s), I cunningly calculate a counter attack. If I do not challenge, it is more difficult to let it go.
I’ve read so called “expert” suggestions on how to overcome this angry trait by simply walking away and using self-help techniques to calm down. How can someone walk away from what feels like a demonic possession?
If turning away were an option, I would not be sitting here with a pounding head and adrenaline pumping. When walking Jack (the woof woof), I would be watching the river wild life rather than marching the circuit, talking to myself in public like some kind of deranged maniac.
So, this afternoon, I sit here attempting to calm the senses with classical music, while searching online for words of encouragement. Then I read a statement.
“Many people with BPD also have narcissistic traits. They are sociopathic, paranoid, abusive, alcohol/drug dependent, with other pathological tendencies”
In my opinion, statements like this are the seeds of stigmatisation… but that’s for another post.
Self-help techniques usually do little to ward off the demons. Writing always helps, as does reading other people’s experiences. I am sooo thankful for the blogging world…
Am really pleased that you’ve found writing helpful.
Wonder if maybe writing down the rage and then burning it, tearing it to shreds/something would help in giving the anger time to be externalised safely before being ‘let go'(?). Dunno, just an idea and maybe not a very helpful one.
Take care, Cat.
I totally get that… it’s kinda like writing it out. As soon as I pressed “publish”, there was instant relief. Ready now to launch the counter argument.
Thanks for commenting, always very helpful and supportive
LikeLiked by 1 person
I am teaching myself and others how to fight the demons that are the root cause for this disorder, Demons and evill do exist and I hav e the proof that mental and phsycological disorders are caused in most cases by entities attaching to are astral bodies, chakra points, and manafest into our emotinons and actions, I help people everyday I can to educate and make aware of the truth, doctors have been paid and made to beleive meds and pills are the cure. lets look back at ancient history and all the facts are right ther. Anyway I am an energy healer and practice spirit deposession, and cure illness at its cause.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I too, Cat, am a quiet BPD. We are the silent ones. Our counterparts are those that act out and it seems to be more common. I have always been at the receiving end of my own anger. I call it super rage. If you haven’t read this I suggest http://www.downwardspiralintothevortex.com/2012/05/quiet-borderline-borderline-waif.html
Thanks, Merry, I will have a read
I’ve been diagnosed with bpd too in the past. I could never relate to borderline rage until I realised it can turn inwards too. I think this too is where the term “border-lion” has come from xx
At first I was doubtful of the diagnosis because of the “rage”. I couldn’t relate to a lot of it and can cringe at some of the things I read.
Thanks for dropping by Bourbon
I have never been DX with BPD but I sure relate to turning rage inward. I am an expert at that. I am glad that writing is helpful, I know for me it is a way to survive. Keep writing friend we are here reading and understanding.
Thank you, Red, your support is greatly appreciated
And as usual, when “professionals” or other information sources talk about BPD they neglect to talk about the hard times that put us there…..therein lies to the discrimination and stigma. We’re seen as “bitches” and called manipulative and selfish…..ugh…..we can only do our best!
Thanks, PrideM, you usually always talk sense. Tonight I was reading a fabulous article that another blogger posted a comment about, just here bellow our chat’. Her name is. Merry. She linked a post titled “the quiet borderline”‘Wow!It blew me away. Now my own borderline traits makes a lot more sense
As ever muchas gracias (well, I think that’s how it’s spelled)
I’ll have to check the post out! I read another really good article yesterday about BPD that summed up how I feel…
I experience internal anger also growing up in a household where everyone has/had unpredictable explosive anger I stuffed it all. I get pissed when (the rare occasion) I mention I have BPD and someone says “no you’re too calm for that” just because the storm takes place inside doesn’t mean there isn’t a storm.
Until yesterday I had never heard the term “quiet borderline” It is a term used to describe people like you and me who are quiet in our anger and other BPD symptoms. Here’s the link to the post. I’m sure you will find it enlightening. Thanks for taking the time to comment. I realise things aren’t too good for you right now. Stay strong!. Anyway Marci, here’s the link
Wow. HUGE insight. I’m pretty sure this was my dad. I used to call him a rage-a-holic. I never knew when his explosive rages would occur, and never knew what would set it off (his was definitely turned outward). I walked around on eggshells as a child. The more you explain this, the more this sounds like my dad. This was never known back in his day, and I always sought to understand what was going on. I knew that it was a mental illness, just never knew which one. He died when I was in my 30s, and I never got to resolve things with him, but forgave him many years ago.
I think you just got me a lot closer in my quest for understanding and resolution.
Bless you, sweet friend.
It’s amazing how we each contribute to one another’s recovery. Thank you for your encouraging words, Susan
I do not know a lot about BPD, although there are a lot of bloggers out there who share this diagnosis. I can, however, relate to turning the anger inward, manifesting in self–harm and just overall self-abuse. I am glad that you are finding an outlet in your writing and hopefully avoiding the self-destructive options.
I am thankful for the blogging world too. We are here listening and walking next to you. Be well.
Thank you, RS. It is definately a comfort to know people are listening and understanding
Hi Cat, How generous of you to share this information along with your new diagnosis of BPD. I find your support here so amazing as well which is probably as good if not slightly better than any therapy out there. I cringe when I hear professionals use the term “borderline” loosely. It has become too commonplace among the public in general as well. A woman gets upset and they remark, “she just flipped, she is so borderline”. Not every person with BPD has rages just as you have remarked that the rage can turn within. Not all are narcissistic either! If you were, you probably would not be here humbly sharing on this blog. And any of these diagnoses are not a death sentence…there is treatment and in many cases, recovery. A few years ago, I read Get Me Out of Here: My Recovery from Borderline Personality Disorder by Rachel Reiland and I it made me feel hopeful. But as we are all individuals, not one person is the same nor are symptoms or treatments. I think that is part of trying to remove the stigma on mental health…not one size fits all. Talking here is so important and not only is it supportive but it educates many people who have attached stigmas in the past. Thank you, Cat for being so generous with your blog. Namaste.
Thank you, Cheryl, for such kind words. I have noted the book you mention. I should really educate myself abut BPD. I believe it is the key to recovery.
Education is power and control:) that book is the first time I read something that offers hope. It is a tough read as we are accompanying her on her 5 year therapy…so beware if there are any triggers. Blessings
Reblogged this on MAKE BPD STIGMA-FREE!.
Thank you, Joyce, that is very of you. I’m pleased you think it worthy for your own wonderful blog #blushes#
Hi Cat, you are soo right about the stimiga attached to BPD its all so negitive with lots of stories how people with BPD ruin the lives of others. Not enough is written about those who turn their anger inward and the constant turmoil they suffer. I applaud you for your bravery in putting yourself out there as that is true courage.
Thank you, Athena, for your on-going support and encouragement
Pingback: “Dr. Heller Discusses Borderline Personality Disorder “ | Pennsylvania Mental Health Issues
Wow, I’m sorry you are saddled with this anger. It’s important to know that you didn’t choose this! Who in the world would choose uncontrollable fits of anger, rumination, thoughts of…
The good news is that you’re aware of it, you’re researching it, you’re writing about it.
I grew up with a mother who not only has unpredictable rage attacks, but also blames them on others. For instance, I once moved her pencil two inches to the right, because it was on top of a magazine I was reading. She flew into a rage and hit me over the head with a book! I was about 58 years old at the time. I told her that was abusive. She told me that since I was her child, she could do anything she wanted to me!
So…since you are aware of your rages, and seeking to do something about them, I would guess that you are not narcissistic. Narcissists feel entitled to their rage, because clearly someone else is the cause. They don’t go to psychiatrists, because it’s the other people in their lives who need to go, not them.
I’m really happy to have read this. I think you’re great.
Thank you, Laura, your mum sounds narcissistic, like my own.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Hi Cat, my attention was drawn back to this post because of a comment that just appeared in my email. When I get comments from people who have a need to be nasty, I simply delete them.
Would love to talk to you. I am BPD and feel at home with you