The Rage of Borderline Personality Disorder

It hurtles towards me like a tornado.  Nothing can stop it; I know for sure its sheer power will strike hard.  It takes over, almost like a demonic possession, ruthlessly suffocating every waking hour.

Once ignited, my mood can continue for days.  At times, nothing else exists.  Daily events act like interruptions to full-throttled-anger.  An obsessive mind relentlessly ruminates over the causes.

Unfortunately, for me – fortunately for everyone else – I prefer not to hurt other people’s feelings.  There are no outbursts of fury.

Like a controlled explosion, the anger erupts within.

Being a “motormouth”, I cannot keep it shut.   Confrontation is inevitable, but only when there’s enough control to appropriately express objection and, more importantly, win the argument.

About 12-18 months ago, my new Psychiatrist told me I have a Borderline Personality Disorder.  I am not the kind of person who reads everything about their mental health, so know very little about Borderline.  However, there is a general awareness of the symptoms surrounding intense, often inappropriate, anger.  People often refer to it as “Borderline rage”.

People with BPD can over react to situations that appear trivial to someone else.  They often express their anger inappropriately or, like me, direct the fury inward, which can manifest as self-destructive emotions and behaviour.

According to About.com, specialists studying BPD have only recently become interested in researching “Borderline rage”.  Apparently, the studies examined anger in people with a BPD compared to people without.

The research concludes that people with BPD have the same level of anger as everyone else.  The difference is that people with BPD tend to hold onto their anger and may even seethe for a considerable length of time.  Whereas, those without BPD usually move on a lot quicker.

True to form, I have been seething for three days.  Like an old witch (or wizard) sitting by the cauldron, ruminating and cursing the offender(s), I cunningly calculate a counter attack.  If I do not challenge, it is more difficult to let it go.

I’ve read so called “expert” suggestions on how to overcome this angry trait by simply walking away and using self-help techniques to calm down.  How can someone walk away from what feels like a demonic possession?

If turning away were an option, I would not be sitting here with a pounding head and adrenaline pumping.  When walking Jack (the woof woof), I would be watching the river wild life rather than marching the circuit, talking to myself in public like some kind of deranged maniac.

So, this afternoon, I sit here attempting to calm the senses with classical music, while searching online for words of encouragement.  Then I read a statement.

“Many people with BPD also have narcissistic traits.  They are sociopathic, paranoid, abusive, alcohol/drug dependent, with other pathological tendencies”

Eeeek!

In my opinion, statements like this are the seeds of stigmatisation… but that’s for another post.

Self-help techniques usually do little to ward off the demons.  Writing always helps, as does reading other people’s experiences.  I am sooo thankful for the blogging world…