The Lost Years

ImageThere is a period during the worst episode of depression when I recall very little.  They are The Lost Years.  It seems to have been a time of reflection and rumination.  The main recollection is of spending large amounts of time sitting alone at the kitchen table, thinking…. and thinking… and digging deeper into despair.

Everyone has expectations within relationships, whether it is with partners, friendships or families.  We expect to interact in certain ways by phone, social meetings and home visits.  If we suddenly stop wanting to be a part of that, it becomes increasingly problematic to answer a phone or hold a general conversation.

Life was on a mission to lose contact with everyone.  Friends and family tried calling andImage emailing, but they never got any answer.  Their persistence got so bad that I eventually threw the PC in the bin and disconnected both phones.

Today, it’s difficult to imagine how I could be so cold and nasty.  Perhaps a great deal of it was down to being unable to live up to everyone’s expectations.   In many ways, that continues to be a problem.

I remember waking one morning feeling completely overwhelmed.  It had been a couple of years since the last meeting with Dr Potty, so I decide to make contact.

ImageDr Potty’s Secretary is talking at me.  I’m confused because she seems to have got me completely mixed up with someone else.  I give her my name and date of birth again, but she still insists that Dr Potty will not see me, not without a referral from my family Doctor.

“But, I have an open door policy with Dr Potty”  I say, exasperated.

“No” she says, “You used to have one, but we haven’t heard from you for over six-years”

“Six—–years”?

That completely blew me away.  How could anyone lose touch with reality for so many years?  Friends were definitely something of the past and family had given up trying. Even today, there is a huge sense of disbelief.

A common belief with those affected by addiction is that an addict needs to hit rockImage bottom before they can find the strength and willpower to recover.   Without a shadow of doubt, I had reached the bottom.

Once again, I struggled to get along with Dr Potty.  He had no interest in reviewing my diagnosis or medication.  He was apparently too busy to meet weekly.  There were no offers of community support.  We were getting nowhere.

I’m sure there were many people who came to believe I was just a troublesome “client” from the Mental Health Team.  To this day, I still feel their professional reservations.  From my perspective, vehemently complaining with specific demands was all part of a survival plan.

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18 thoughts on “The Lost Years

  1. kat

    i too have a period of time that is where i was at my lowest, where all i did was sit on my couch, sleep there too, and pull away from everyone. there are moments during this period i do remember, but most of it is just a fuzzy haze. the docs i had seemed uninterested in seeing me, as if i was a nuisance. by then, friends, family and docs all seemed to think i was a lost cause. i dont believe i got good care because of this (which explains why it took so long to start to get better). so i understand how you can lose so much time, and not realize it. time becomes distorted, seems like one long day and an eternity and no time at all all at the same time when you go into that void.

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    1. Cat Post author

      It’s tough when we are viewed as a “lost cause” – when people say things like, “I’ve done all I can” before they walk away. Unhelpful Doc’s certainly do not help. “That Void” is an excellent way to describe it. Thanks for dropping by, Kat

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    1. Cat Post author

      Dr Potty became your worst nightmare… thankfully, now a thing of the past.

      Thanks for your feedback, Ellen. How are you doing?

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  2. Athena Brady

    Doctor Potty, sounds an ass …. Funny how the people supposed to help sometimes make things worse. I understand the lost years theory and the hermit thing. Thats what probably kept you together during those difficult times. You have us now and we can all make it together. Keep on writing, get it out and we will heal together. Hold on there Cat, you have a lot to give and you are incredibly brave for sharing it.

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    1. Cat Post author

      Awe, Athena, what you said in your comment, “you have us now”, is very sweet. I really do feel part of a community. Your lovely words reinforce that.

      Yes *sniggers* Dr Potty is an ass and did make my situation 100 times worse. Thankfully, he is no more…

      Thanks, Athena.. hope you’re doing okay.

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  3. findingmyinnercourage

    Bravo for sharing such an incredible personal journey. This is the epitome of bravery! I’m proud of you! And certainly enjoyed your Blog today!

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    1. Cat Post author

      Thank you, that means a lot. For me, writing has become a great tool for healing. Feedback is part of that process, so I am eternally grateful for your support.

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  4. Susan Irene Fox

    There is an inner spirit that pulls us to survive in spite of everything. I’m so glad, Cat, that you are healing, telling your truth, and sharing your heart so others can heal through you. Love you.

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  5. hubertwrites

    Hi Cat I just read your post here I would like to invite you to listen to the videos I posted the other day called “Its all in your head”, I have lived most of my life in the sense you have described in this post, its so crazy that no one ever figured out that something was ‘wrong!’
    anyway I think you will relate to these videos I certainly did and will watch them again

    YT Hubert/ sharpword@ wordpress,com

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  6. Gel

    I can relate to this theme “the lost years”. I have a lot of lost years too. I also have a lost calling or the path I thought I would take. I’m still grieving it. It is so hard that when you do reach out for help from professionals – and that is hard to do – and they turn out to be assholes. I’ve had a few Dr. Pottys myself.
    I’m so glad things are on a better track for you and you have a lovely community.
    Hugs

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  7. Annie

    I’ve just found you last night. You came up on the right side of my ‘Reader’ and the title caught me because I have been suffering depression for…well if I’m honest, all my life.

    It’s so difficult to find people who, even though may not understand (and I can deal with that) but at least have some empathy. It can be really tough to see the look of disappointment and hear words of blame from those who are supposed to love you. (My experience with fam in last few years.)

    But then turning to a professional who claimed to care once then makes it clear he doesn’t? Well, that’s unconscionable. Makes it seem that there is nowhere to turn.
    Thanks for telling your story here. I’m looking forward to reading more.

    Depression is awful, to put it lightly and I’m just now waking up to how serious it really is and has been for me.

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    1. Cat Post author

      Thank you, Annie, for visiting my blog. I did try to connect with your blog, but notice it is private. I’m sorry to read of your struggles with depression. I think there can come a time when we need to take it more seriously and maybe seek professional help. I find blogging extremely helpful in identifying with other people who have similar experiences

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