Under Construction…

I usually plan what I want to write, but this is just a 10-minute “splash” with a few photo’s

I have just returned from my writing class at the Recovery College.  I’m normally feeling fairly up-beat, but this week is different.

Opposite to where I live, is the River Thames.  I’m only 2-3 miles from central London, so it’s quite a highly populated area.  The property in London is extortionate.  A very small one bedroom flat along this section of the Thames will start at £250,000.

Across the water in Fulham, they are building new luxury flats.  Prior to this, there were derelict warehouses that lay empty for many years.

This got me thinking about how I used to walk up and down a stretch of the Thames over recent years, while my own life was pretty much derelict.  Attending the Recovery College is helping to bring everything back into focus.  You could say my life is now under construction.

Today in class, the group were to review all the things we had written over the last 7 weeks.  I went straight to the first entry in my journal, which is something I have blogged about recently – Avoidance.  I really am convinced that I avoid avoidance.

Lately, I have been struggling with loads of things.  It exacerbates my uncanny knack of avoiding one of the most important things in my recovery – ME.

For years, I badgered my old Psychiatrist for a more up-to-date diagnosis.  It used to be “Depression secondary to PTSD”.  The most recent diagnosis is Borderline Personality Disorder and Recurrent Depressive Disorder.

You would think that I might embrace the diagnosis and research more of how it can relate to my own life.  Initially, I did read a little about BPD, but forget most of the facts, other than much of my mental state are consistent to the disorder.  As for Recurrent Depressive Disorder….well, I can only guess it’s what it says; a recurrent depression…. And, trust me, I feel every bit of it.

Knowledge is power and empowerment can bring about change, but I doubt much of that will come about unless I am willing to focus on education and recovery.  The only way I can achieve this, is by striving to live in the present moment and embrace each minute of every day.

I wish that was as easy as it sounds.  My mind is in a mess.  Concentration is very limited.  Memories of day-to-day things are almost non-existent, but that seems to be more about not concentrating on what’s happening around me.  My brain can remember little if I am not focussing on the here and now.  I know that sounds messed up, but it would be a true reflection of my insane life.

I’ve just started to read “A New earth” by Eckhart Tolle.  It’s a struggle to actually absorb the writing.  I love a statement he makes in his intro

“To recognise one’s own insanity is, of course, the arising of sanity, the beginning of healing and transcendence.  A new dimension of consciousness…”

And to end with, here’s a smile from Jack…