Just a wee reflection…

I never usually read back things I’ve written in journals.  Somehow, I usually end up feeling either embarrassed for writing so badly or hard on myself for being so self-indulgent.  This week’s homework for the writing group is to pick one piece of work that we produced recently and write something in response.

Last night, I was reading some old blog entries.  I’m aware of a newfound courage to reveal parts of who I really am.  I only started blogging in June. 

Reflecting on blog posts heightened my awareness of the changes that are already evolving without being fully aware of them.   It’s hardly surprising that I’ve had so much depression of late.  For me, blogging about mental health issues resembles group therapy online.  The entire process, including the therapy writing class, is becoming a life-changing experience.  

Of course, the change in perspective hasn’t all come from me.  In my six months of blogging, I have become part of an online community who are an invaluable influence on my own recovery.  Reading other peoples courageous stories is helping me understand and process my own. 

To try to pick one piece of writing is impossible; they are all important.  Probably the biggest single noticeable improvement from the course is the actual ability to attend.  Since 2000, I have been a prisoner of agoraphobic tendencies.  I call it “My selective agoraphobia”.  In all these years, I haven’t been away from home for more than an hour. 

Attending the recovery college is helping me to overcome this ridiculous mind-set.  The first few sessions were the most difficult, but as the weeks are ticking by; my comfort zone hour is increasing.   I only attend for two hours over 10 weeks.  I tend to forget what a huge step this is in my recovery

Healing is never easy, but thankfully, I understand that.  I wish I could remember it when depression has me by the throat and I’m completely consumed by ruminating internal drama’s.  Whenever I’m up to the neck in sludge, it’s difficult to have any insightfulness.

To end with, here’s a pic of Oscar-cat.  Fourteen years old

Image

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49 thoughts on “Just a wee reflection…

  1. littlevoicetalks

    Totally understand the thoughts on trying to remember “healing is never easy” when in the grips of depression. Perspective isn’t available at those times is it?

    Oscar-cat is beeeeeeeeeeautiful. God, I love my cat Poppy. If I didn’t have my animals, I think I’d be more scuppered than I am lol.

    Love your writing and willingness to explore your humanity. Moves me to tears.

    Happy Thursday night x

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    1. Cat Post author

      I watched my two cats being born…. they are very special. Thank you for commenting. You are so right about there being no perspective when depressed. I usually don’t realise just how bad the depression is until I start to feel better. Hope you’re doing okay

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  2. kat

    wow, another person who writes journals, but hates to reread them later! i thought i was the only one like that! i find the writing to be cathartic, but the rereading to humiliating and embarrassing, even if i am the only one who ever sees it. i usually throw them away or rip out the pages as i can’t stand to see them at all. makes me wonder why i write. for some reason, writing here, on my blog, i don’t have that feeling.

    and Oscar-cat is very handsome, good looking cat. i also have a wonderful cat, Angel, a calico with a white body with only one spot on her back, and her legs, ears, face, and tail are calico, who is also older at 15. im glad we have our cats–they never judge us!

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    1. myspokenheart

      Sometimes I like to reread my journals, I like to see how far I have come, but it’s hard when I see the same stuff creeping in over and over, and it’s even harder when I hit sections that are morbidly depressing or notice absences that span for weeks or months. Which is why I also have a habit of shredding or burning my journals, it’s like I am giving myself permission to let go and move on when I do that.

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      1. Cat Post author

        At first, I hated reading back my posts, it kinda goes against the grain. However, it is positive and quite uplifting to see what I’m coming through. It’s definitely something I’ll do again in the future.

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    2. Cat Post author

      That made me laugh because I destroy everything I’ve ever written. I hated reading back my blog posts and had an urge to either edit or delete them because, in my eye, they are all rubbish. I had actually just finished reading them when a lovely blogger sent me a message saying she had just been reading my past posts…ah..I did cringe with embarrassment!

      I watched my two cats being born, so they have been very special. Unfortunately, Missy has bad arthritis in her back legs and no longer wants to venture outside. Oscar behaves like a 5 year old and still enjoys the outdoors.

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  3. myspokenheart

    Has it really only been since June? I feel like I have been reading your posts and communicating with you for forever… I suppose that is a good thing 🙂

    Keep up the good work Cat. Every step forward is a victory (even if afterwards you sometimes feel the need to take two steps back). Sometimes the back steps are good as you have a new perspective to look around with, and you see things you never would have otherwise.

    I like Oscar-cat… tell him “meow”…
    & BIG HUGS for you, Andrea

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  4. scottishmomus

    Some of my ‘diaries’ are cringeworthy. I keep them to, very occasionally, look back on. It helps with perspective. And it’s useful to see where I fall into similar traps or how I resolved things. Progress is so often unseen in the moment. Reflection does help. Hugs and continued strength wished in your ongoing journey.x

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  5. DissociativeBonny

    i sometimes go through old journals. i dont know why! i think it is to try see how far i have come.

    I smile at the picture of Oscar-cat. He is beautiful. My friends cat has very similar markings. Animals are such a comfort.

    keep well.
    bonny

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    1. Cat Post author

      Thank you for dropping by, Bonny. I think looking back on journals definitely has its place in reflection and getting things into perspective

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  6. Susan Irene Fox

    I attempt to read over my journals sometime between Thanksgiving and New Year’s Eve. And I give myself permission to tear and burn pages when I know I’ve passed a milestone and am completely ready to let go of a destructive behavior. It’s great watching the flame burn and the smoke go up, never again to feel the shame or guilt over something. Just giving it up to God and letting Him lift off the burden. You’ve done a remarkable job, Cat, of moving forward. Some baby steps, some leaps and bounds. It all comes in seasons. This one has been remarkable for you. Congratulations.

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  7. Pingback: No victim, no cry | gohomeubb

  8. jamborobyn

    I hope you don’t mind, you write with such honesty. I was intrigued by this post,so much that it got me thinking “What would I tell myself?”

    So you have inspired my latest post and I have linked back to yours. BTW, I once had a cat named Oscar (unfortunately Oscar got pregnant and left home which was quite a surprise at the time)

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  9. Gel

    Yes it seems you have come a long way…being able to go to the writing class and becoming involved in the blogging community. I was wondering do you see a difference between your journal writing and your blog writing?
    I’ve gone back and read some of my blog posts when I’ve been really down and unable to think clearly. When I read something I wrote when I was not in a down muddled mind, it is impressive…”wow I wrote that?” . like I’m a different person when I’m in the down place with the negative thinking.
    This part that you wrote I think is interesting too: “Reflecting on blog posts heightened my awareness of the changes that are already evolving without being fully aware of them”…

    It sounds like you are really appreciating having the connections with people on line in blogging. It’s a good way to let people into our lives and accept the wisdom and help that comes from these connections. I’ve been really grateful for it too. I’ve been able to write about stuff through blogs that I rarely talk about in my regular life. It’s given me courage to open up more and growth happens that way.
    I love that you shared a picture of your Oscar.
    14 in cat years is 72 in human years!

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    1. Cat Post author

      I don’t really write journals anymore. My blog is the closest I get. I didn’t like reading back my posts because I get embarrassed by thinking they are low standard writing. However, doing it as part of my writing group did help me see how useful it is for reflecting and even recognising how far we have come in our recovery.

      Thank you for commenting, Gel

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  10. ziggy40

    Although I have not followed you for long, it hit home to me, about the WP community. I know I’m learning so much from you and others honesty and courage. I recently had a look at some old journals of mine, it amazed me, how perspective has changed…..lol
    Sending support and multi-colored rainbows love Ziggy

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  11. Tracesofthesoul

    What an amazing post!!! Bless you for sharing and your last comment “I usually don’t ralie just how bad the depression is until I start to feel better.” And perhaps that is why suffering is sometimes essential to feel the happiness. You are so generous sharing here…you are certainly helping many other readers who suffer…healing takes time and hurts as well but there are also good days…it does not always rain. Namste, Oliana

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  12. hopeforheather

    Oscar is gorgeous indeed. I know what you mean about the internal dramas….I hear you loud and clear. I have been attending TONS Of 12 step meetings (for me) to help me manage those dramas going on INSIDE me (and outside too). All the best.

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    1. Cat Post author

      Thank you for dropping by, Michael. You are right about blogging being a journey of recovery. I appreciate your encouraging words.

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  14. patternsofsouldevelopment

    Hay, Cat, what a handsome Felix you’ve got there! It is always a great thing to come out of your shell – a victory in itself- reach out, and try to share. If you try to keep up with your new blog, it has the potential to grow into a great experience, for yourself and for others. You’ll find out that even twice a week will do, in general, to make it grow – but try to do it more often this Blogging 101 course, it it was only two sentences; in fact, I could see it for myself that people who post more often short thoughts have a better audience than I do – I tend to develop quite a lot. Good luck!

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    1. Cat Post author

      That was my cat Oscar, sadly he died a year ago. My blog is nearly 2 yrs old and I do tend to get a lot of traffic and comments. I like to reply to comments and then visit their blogs, so it is very time consuming, but I will try to post more often. Thank you for taking the time to read and comment

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