I never usually read back things I’ve written in journals. Somehow, I usually end up feeling either embarrassed for writing so badly or hard on myself for being so self-indulgent. This week’s homework for the writing group is to pick one piece of work that we produced recently and write something in response.
Last night, I was reading some old blog entries. I’m aware of a newfound courage to reveal parts of who I really am. I only started blogging in June.
Reflecting on blog posts heightened my awareness of the changes that are already evolving without being fully aware of them. It’s hardly surprising that I’ve had so much depression of late. For me, blogging about mental health issues resembles group therapy online. The entire process, including the therapy writing class, is becoming a life-changing experience.
Of course, the change in perspective hasn’t all come from me. In my six months of blogging, I have become part of an online community who are an invaluable influence on my own recovery. Reading other peoples courageous stories is helping me understand and process my own.
To try to pick one piece of writing is impossible; they are all important. Probably the biggest single noticeable improvement from the course is the actual ability to attend. Since 2000, I have been a prisoner of agoraphobic tendencies. I call it “My selective agoraphobia”. In all these years, I haven’t been away from home for more than an hour.
Attending the recovery college is helping me to overcome this ridiculous mind-set. The first few sessions were the most difficult, but as the weeks are ticking by; my comfort zone hour is increasing. I only attend for two hours over 10 weeks. I tend to forget what a huge step this is in my recovery
Healing is never easy, but thankfully, I understand that. I wish I could remember it when depression has me by the throat and I’m completely consumed by ruminating internal drama’s. Whenever I’m up to the neck in sludge, it’s difficult to have any insightfulness.
To end with, here’s a pic of Oscar-cat. Fourteen years old