It feels like I’m suffocating. In recent weeks, there has been so much coming up from the past, particularly childhood, I seem to be reaching a point of saturation. My brain feels like soggy paper mache.
I’m become more forgetful and confused, and seem to be losing large amounts of time. For instance, this morning I fed and walked Jack, but cannot remember anything about it. As hard as I try, that memory just isn’t there.
I’m currently doing a 9 week training course for Mentalization Based Therapy (MBT), which is both enlightening and extremely triggering. Once the 9 weeks are over, individual group members meet with the Psychiatrist and decide on what is the best course of treatment, either a 2 years psychotherapy group or 18 months MBT.
Personally, I would prefer the latter. However, last week, just as the training group was ending, the Psychiatrist made a crass comment about how I – not anyone else, just me – might feel more suited to psychotherapy, rather than MBT.
To me, that crushing comment was a statement rather than a suggestion. I couldn’t see any alternative. In a true Borderline fashion, thinking and defences went into overdrive. My reaction might have appeared abrupt, but it was my way of trying to conquer a familiar fear of abandonment. The intention was to speak my mind and leave it in the group. Unfortunately, it didn’t quite work out like that.
Hypermentalizing is a term Mentalization therapy uses to describe excessive ruminating with only one perspective and without considering other possibilities. I’m a chronic ruminator, but I don’t really know why I do it. It’s focuses all attention within and can be extraordinary exhausting.
I’ve been in a mega-hypermentalizing mode all week; stuck in the same ruminating angst, believing in my own warped perception. It’s crazy to think of a flippant comment by the Psychiatrist completely taking over my mind. Maybe as part of that internal drama, I am actually disassociating, hence apparent memory loss.
I almost didn’t go to group yesterday. There is a huge avoidant issue going on. I sometimes wonder if I have more of an Avoidant Personality Disorder rather than ‘Borderline’. The good thing is that I am now more aware of the process of my mental states. I made the decision not to trust my “angst” and to push myself past that fear of rejection. If nothing else, I could give the Psychiatrist a piece of my nasty mind and be done with it.
I asked to see Dr J. She is a lovely person and very easy to talk to, I almost felt guilty for being so pissed at her. To my surprise and relief, Dr J apologises and agrees that the MBT route is the best way forward for me. Last week’s comment was more a generalised statement. Once again, I got it wrong.
Have I learned anything from such a ridiculous situation? Yes, try not to jump to conclusions or waste energy on hypermentalizing. The chances are, the worst I imagine, is largely untrue. It certainly brings my Mindfulness classes into play.
Two important questions do come to mind – What exactly lies beneath my evident reluctance to live in the “here and now”?…and.. what am I avoiding?