Hypermentalizing

It feels like I’m suffocating.  In recent weeks, there has been so much coming up from the past, particularly childhood, I seem to be reaching a point of saturation.  My brain feels like soggy paper mache. 

I’m become more forgetful and confused, and seem to be losing large amounts of time.  For instance, this morning I fed and walked Jack, but cannot remember anything about it.  As hard as I try, that memory just isn’t there.

I’m currently doing a 9 week training course for Mentalization Based Therapy (MBT), which is both enlightening and extremely triggering.  Once the 9 weeks are over, individual group members meet with the Psychiatrist and decide on what is the best course of treatment, either a 2 years psychotherapy group or 18 months MBT. 

Personally, I would prefer the latter.  However, last week, just as the training group was ending, the Psychiatrist made a crass comment about how I  – not anyone else, just me – might feel more suited to psychotherapy, rather than MBT.  

To me, that crushing comment was a statement rather than a suggestion. I couldn’t see any alternative.  In a true Borderline fashion, thinking and defences went into overdrive.  My reaction might have appeared abrupt, but it was my way of trying to conquer a familiar fear of abandonment.  The intention was to speak my mind and leave it in the group.  Unfortunately, it didn’t quite work out like that.

Hypermentalizing is a term Mentalization therapy uses to describe excessive ruminating with only one perspective and without considering other possibilities.  I’m a chronic ruminator, but I don’t really know why I do it.  It’s focuses all attention within and can be extraordinary exhausting.

I’ve been in a mega-hypermentalizing mode all week; stuck in the same ruminating angst, believing in my own warped perception.  It’s crazy to think of a flippant comment by the Psychiatrist completely taking over my mind.  Maybe as part of that internal drama, I am actually disassociating, hence apparent memory loss. 

I almost didn’t go to group yesterday.  There is a huge avoidant issue going on.  I sometimes wonder if I have more of an Avoidant Personality Disorder rather than ‘Borderline’.  The good thing is that I am now more aware of the process of my mental states.  I made the decision not to trust my “angst” and to push myself past that fear of rejection.  If nothing else, I could give the Psychiatrist a piece of my nasty mind and be done with it.

I asked to see Dr J.  She is a lovely person and very easy to talk to, I almost felt guilty for being so pissed at her.  To my surprise and relief, Dr J apologises and agrees that the MBT route is the best way forward for me.  Last week’s comment was more a generalised statement.  Once again, I got it wrong.

Have I learned anything from such a ridiculous situation?  Yes, try not to jump to conclusions or waste energy on hypermentalizing.  The chances are, the worst I imagine, is largely untrue.  It certainly brings my Mindfulness classes into play.

Two important questions do come to mind – What exactly lies beneath my evident reluctance to live in the “here and now”?…and..  what am I avoiding?