I arrive at the session feeling lost and out of focus. Time with Paul is normally comfortable and flowing, but today I’m unsure what to talk about.
Paul wonders if the uncertainty relates to the detachment and compartmentalising that I’ve talked about in previous sessions. That’s always an underlying issue, but my gut instinct tells me this is something different.
The usual process is to first feel in private and then talk coherently about what’s on my mind, but only after going over it a zillion times inside my head. Today is quite different. There’s no telling where this might go.
I’m struggling to articulate that there’s something quite different going on within. It relates to those traumatic childhood memories that have consumed me for decades.
I’m not sure whether this train of thought can be trusted, or if it’s merely a trick of my consciousness to avoid the pain.
Paul doesn’t interrupt the silences. The only time he speaks is when I look for some kind of understanding. His accurate interpretations are focussed. I notice how secure I feel within that clarity.
I talk about my journey with forgiveness, something I’ve written about here before. Recently, that concept is evolving into something completely different.
I’m coming to understand that forgiveness is very much an ongoing process, rather than some kind of single act that suddenly forgives and excuses the behaviour of the abuser and then automatically sets us free from the trauma.
While writing the last two posts, unbeknown to me, something quite profound was taking place. It’s difficult to pinpoint exactly where or when the penny dropped, but I think it was the realisation that this was no longer about ‘them’.
I am tired of blaming others. Blame is usually filled with exhausting anger and resentments. Certainly, I could never do some of the things they did, but too many years have been wasted splitting hairs.
Paul seems to like it when I share my visuals. I have this image of a large can-shaped container, sitting upright. Half the container opens on hinges and there I stand in the darkness. Outside is bright and I notice a pattern of light sweeping across the floor. What strikes me is the emptiness behind me.
I should be elated, but as the session ticks to a close, I feel numb and uncertain. It a bit like waking from a trance like state.
Paul says it’s the first I have talked from within rather than from my head.