I’ve often sat through group therapy believing the discussion didn’t apply to me. Even the days when Norris was talking too much, I would sometimes leave sessions feeling neutral.
I often feel completely disconnected. While I may not always be aware of it, I can appreciate how this might appear to the onlooker; that onlooker being Frankie, the group Psychotherapist.
Mmmm…. Sometimes those therapists read too much into things.
In retrospect, I did feel a little uncomfortable when she was saying, “Sometimes we need to exert our anger by telling someone directly that they’re annoying us”
Being spontaneous can often blurt out the dreaded anger. I’m not usually shy in speaking my mind, but do tend to choose the moment very carefully.
Admittedly, in the earlier weeks, the endless chatter and general dynamics made me feel both suffocated and detached.
I’m not really aware of the detachment at the time, but Frankie evidently thinks I’m holding out on the group rather than struggling to connect with feelings.
Mmm…. Don’t they just get on your nerves..
I spent years locked away in self-isolation. It removed me from some of the challenges I regularly faced in the big bad world; one of them being the inability to express anger. I actually forgot all about it; something that once had an enormous impact on day to day life.
Tonight, I’m remembering times when I would shake from head to toe with adrenalin. So terrified of expressing or being on the receiving end of anger that I would eventually lose that pathetic quivering voice.
That same inner terror followed a similar pattern whenever I witnessed or was threatened by violence. I was utterly petrified and would completely fall apart.
When we were little, having a separate opinion from our parents was seen as insolent and ungrateful and we would run the risk of being physically or verbally attacked.
“Children should be seen and not heard”
If we dared to express anger or tears, that was like the end of the world and we were either beaten for the cheek or threatened with “something to cry about”. Subsequently, we were then blamed for Mum’s depression and inability to cope.
I was full of rage as a child, maybe I still am. Could that be the root of my depression? That same anger has been simmering all these years. It’s one of the most difficult things to let go of.
When anger is met by physical attacks from such a young age, it’s easy to see why a person would fear that volatile emotion and probably associate it with the threat of more violence or rejection.
It has me wondering how other people deal with their anger… Do you retreat until you’re more in control or do you let it all hang out? And for those who let it out, how do you deal with knowing you’ve maybe hurt someone’s feelings?