As I reach into unchartered territory, the fear of the unknown exists as a heavy weight in the pit of my stomach.
There isn’t anything in particular bothering me, although everything about the last few weeks may well justify the potential. Nevertheless, this doesn’t cut to what’s really troubling me today. I’m not really sure where this is going, but I go in search of trust…
The truth is, I’m terrified of becoming depressed again. Through the therapy process, I am finally able to face some trauma from the past, but I also need to feel in control of the present.
Depression is not being in control. It can feel more like a demonic possession, full of inappropriate bitterness and disappointments, spouting displaced anger and rage. I don’t want to go there.
One of my most difficult challenges with depression is an old internal battle that rages within – the battle of self-blame. No, I don’t blame myself for the things that happened, but yes, I certainly do feel responsible for how it was allowed to shape the rest of my life…
It bothers me today that I merely function. I live this weird reclusive lifestyle as a means of survival. Reconnecting with life does seem unlikely and, for a number of reasons, I just cannot be bothered. Does the apathy disguise the real issue? FEAR…
One of the main contributors to seeking help was this frightening sense of not wanting to get any better, not if it meant reconnecting with my fellow humans. Trust is an essential ingredient to any friendship, but that ability was lost a very long time ago.
Whether it’s starting a new job or a new relationship or even going out on social trips, they each carry one crucial requirement – an ability to have basic trust in strangers.
To experience a past life of childhood abuse, prolonged teenage bullying and then become victim to a horrific violent crime, it is easy to see why someone would develop problems with trusting other people. It’s not so easy to envisage climbing out of that mind-set.
What it all comes down to is whether I want change or not. In all honesty, right in this moment, I do not, and that is probably the biggest obstacle that stands in the way of moving forward. People, outdoor activities, interactions… all mean little to me.
Do I expect this position to change in the future? It’s really hard to envisage, but if the last few weeks are anything to go by, there’s a potential for lots more unexpected things to happen. It’s difficult to see how I will be able to trust other people again, but I do hold onto a faith that I will eventually start to trust and care for myself.