As I reach into unchartered territory, the fear of the unknown exists as a heavy weight in the pit of my stomach.
There isn’t anything in particular bothering me, although everything about the last few weeks may well justify the potential. Nevertheless, this doesn’t cut to what’s really troubling me today. I’m not really sure where this is going, but I go in search of trust…
The truth is, I’m terrified of becoming depressed again. Through the therapy process, I am finally able to face some trauma from the past, but I also need to feel in control of the present.
Depression is not being in control. It can feel more like a demonic possession, full of inappropriate bitterness and disappointments, spouting displaced anger and rage. I don’t want to go there.
One of my most difficult challenges with depression is an old internal battle that rages within – the battle of self-blame. No, I don’t blame myself for the things that happened, but yes, I certainly do feel responsible for how it was allowed to shape the rest of my life…
It bothers me today that I merely function. I live this weird reclusive lifestyle as a means of survival. Reconnecting with life does seem unlikely and, for a number of reasons, I just cannot be bothered. Does the apathy disguise the real issue? FEAR…
One of the main contributors to seeking help was this frightening sense of not wanting to get any better, not if it meant reconnecting with my fellow humans. Trust is an essential ingredient to any friendship, but that ability was lost a very long time ago.
Whether it’s starting a new job or a new relationship or even going out on social trips, they each carry one crucial requirement – an ability to have basic trust in strangers.
To experience a past life of childhood abuse, prolonged teenage bullying and then become victim to a horrific violent crime, it is easy to see why someone would develop problems with trusting other people. It’s not so easy to envisage climbing out of that mind-set.
What it all comes down to is whether I want change or not. In all honesty, right in this moment, I do not, and that is probably the biggest obstacle that stands in the way of moving forward. People, outdoor activities, interactions… all mean little to me.
Do I expect this position to change in the future? It’s really hard to envisage, but if the last few weeks are anything to go by, there’s a potential for lots more unexpected things to happen. It’s difficult to see how I will be able to trust other people again, but I do hold onto a faith that I will eventually start to trust and care for myself.
My Travels with Depression 
that indeed is the question
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Thank you, Kat
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I understand the fear of going into the same feelings that have pulled you so far down in the past. I personally think “that” fear is a healthy fear. Fear becomes unhealthy (for me) when it is based on nothing to really be afraid about. However, I am guilty of this too. Because I simply cannot help it sometimes. Before trust (and love) for others can come, I think self love and self forgiveness is a must. I found that forgiving myself was much harder than forgiving others. I dont know why we are so much harder on ourselves, but we are. I use to get hung up on the, “what if this, what if that”…and so forth. When I find myself going that way I try to interject, “so what if this, so what if that..” sometimes it helps. Anyway, I hope this little bit of babble helps. 🙂
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Your feedback always helps, Joy! I would agree with everything you said. It can be odd that we are much harder on ourselves. If only we could embrace the same advice and compassion that we offer to other people.
Thank you
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I am in a similar place myself. Trust seems impossible. And I don’t mind being this way – a bit outside of humanity. I don’t see myself ever being ‘one of them’, ya know, those other people that laugh and love and belong with other people. And I don’t really want to work so hard to change myself to become one. I’m fairly content right now, living my own quiet life. I don’t hide in fear, I just choose not to join everything. right? I’m not sure, and that part tortures me. Is it a slippery slope? Will I withdraw completely again and allow the depression to overtake me? Am I recharging on my day alone or that how I justify it? So unsure. So much better than it was, I hope to never go back to where I was. But this ground seems unstable here.
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Try not to allow your doubt to torture you because what you say about being content living your own quiet life strikes a chord and does help immensely. Come to think on it, I’m not too keen on striving to be ‘one of them’ and your comment has me wondering why I would willingly WANT to be ‘part of them’ I guess there is always the danger of being on a slippery slope, but that doesn’t mean we’re at the top of one right now. Just like being brainwashed by the perfect image we see in magazines, the same can be true for this idea of living the ‘perfect life’… all nicey nicey and sociable with lots of meaningful friendships. There’s a lot to be said for being at peace with the quiet life we seek.
Thank you for your very thought provoking comment
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As you know, Cat, I’ve written about Trust about a jillion times. It’s a must bigger topic than one would think, so many levels to it. I relate to so much of what you have written here. One, the living like a recluse. I’ve lived in isolation for most of my adult life. Crazy, because I’ve been very well liked. And that’s what has made me run. The fear of being victimized in any way. Even lied to. I can’t take it. I’ve beat myself up a lot because I’ve been unable to accomplish that socialization goal–after all, that’s what will make us normal–right? But truth is, I’ve come to realize, I don’t WANT to socialize. I told someone yesterday: I love strangers. Once I get to know them on an intimate level, I don’t want to know them anymore. Go ahead, call me crazy! I think that is what I love about blogging is that we’ll be strangers forever, and in my mind, that means we’ll be best friends–no BETTER than best friends, because neither of us has to pay for the coffee! Dammit, Cat. Why do I always go off the tracks when I’m talking to you? I guess because I consider you a best friend. ❤
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My friendly-chatty-persona is the mask that hides the true insecure and unconfident reality underneath. But, this makes isolating more difficult to achieve because invitations to join people are regularly on offer. I like to know my neighbours and will happily chat to the person in the queue at the supermarket or the man who fills my car with petrol, but none of them require the same degree of trust that potential friendships do.
I know what you mean about blogging friends; so close yet always strangers. I think we actually get to know other cyber people on a much deeper level.
*Making you coffee* Milk and sugar?
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I’m the same way. Stuck. Isolated. Comfortable yet miserable. I’m at a fork in the road, unsure of which way is the correct way. I know I want to change my unhealthy ways, yet I’m terrified of actually facing the truth and writing/speaking about the nasty things my dickbag parents put me through. I’m actually having a hard time remembering everything. “Repressed Memories”. I hope we all find our way out of this shit. Thanks for putting your experiences and thoughts out there for people like me to find comfort in. 😊💕
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It’s a very difficult position to be in and remembering and healing takes courage and determination. It’s difficult to face up to the trauma and talking about it can feel impossible. It helped me to read other blogs, they gave me the courage to talk about my own stuff.
Thank you for commenting
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I’m sure you know I can relate to the “do I want to change or not” … right now, I’m in the same mindset as you, that I do not. But I do believe that things can and will change for you, Cat. you’ve made a lot of progress and I think that it takes time to realize how far you’ve come. maybe you just need a moment to sit still and get your bearings, and that’s okay. whatever happens, we’re with you and will listen. *hugs*
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Thank you for such a supportive comment, Lauren. I also believe things will change for you too. As you say, it takes time, but it helps to know we are surrounded by so many understanding people online.
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I can totally relate to that lack of trust in the process of overcoming, in my world around me, in others and even myself. Little wonder that you are experiencing those doubts after all that you have been through. Give yourself time and take it slowly. Start taking little steps to trusting yourself and take it from there. You’ll get there. I’ve every faith in you. x
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Thank you, Carolyn, that means a great deal
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I hear you. Trust is such a delicate topic. I struggle with it too. I hope you can find a balance and get there but I think you will. If your writing is anything to go by, you are gifted at putting your thoughts into words that flow. Sending hugs, xoxo
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Great excavating. We are most afraid of being afraid. And yes, we actually grow accustomed to and become comfortable in our dis-ease. Like staying uncomfortable in our toasty bed bc we don’t want to face the cold for the relief of the bathroom – this many times over. Change and renewal mean letting go of what we’ve known. And as detrimental as these have been, they feel deceivingly safe bc they’re so familiar.
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Thank you for this comment. It’s so very true, we can be very comfortable with the familiar, even if that familiar is in many ways not too acceptable or healthy. It’s good and comforting to know people who read have a full understanding…
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