Therapy – The Christmas Break

More than any other day, I did not want to be there. It felt pointless. The twenty-four thWWCO5UI8hours leading up to therapy with Paul, my mood had started to dip. Sitting in his office only made me feel worse. Our connection was not the same. This was the last session before our two-week Christmas break. Is this what was bothering me?

It seemed safer to reflect on all the positive changes in recent weeks rather than begin to unravel anything new. I imagine Paul could sense the apathy.

Last week’s therapy was about feeling rejection. I was tittering on the edge between dissociation and feeling the dark, isolating loneliness that rejection invoked in childhood. It didn’t feel safe to visit that place just before the Christmas break

Paul asked, “What would that feel like… if something significant came up just as we were finishing for a two-week break?”

I didn’t know what to say. The part of my brain responsible for processing that question seemed to have had a lobotomy. Mr Paranoia stared at the familiar stain on the floor.

Paul came in from a different angle, “How do you feel about the break?”

      “At first I was unsure, but now I’m okay about it,” I answered, honestly, “I need a break and the time to reflect might help to catch my breath.”

th9A6EJ79EOur session slowly dragged by, leaving me feeling thoroughly depressed. Safely locked inside my car, I was free to chat with my favourite buddy, Hindsight. Hindsight is wonderful. She is always there to help forge a distance between reflecting and feeling the emotions.

I started to feel uneasy about the Christmas break. I wondered if Paul had been expecting me to say I was feeling abandoned or rejected, which is a common symptom of BPD.

Hindsight and I looked to see if abandonment and rejection were there, but we couldn’t see either. However, while digging around, we came across an underlying deep sense of loss. But, where is the logic in that?

I haven’t lost anything. We’re only on a break. I can cope perfectly well without them. Nevertheless, loss prevails.

Hindsight and I have no idea what any of this means. Yet, something about it brings back memories of childhood and the disappointments experienced around Christmas time.

Later that evening, I chuckled when I caught my inner child sitting with a calendar,thAE15MET8 counting the days until the next therapy session. I heard him whisper, “Twenty-flippin-days… now that’s just taken the piss…”

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26 thoughts on “Therapy – The Christmas Break

  1. Priceless Joy

    Two weeks seem like a long time but they will pass quickly. Do you journal? If not, this would be a great time to start! In fact, you could even do an “art journal” even if you can’t draw or do art – just getting those feelings out creatively, whatever they are (rejection, abandonment, loneliness) helps so much. I have never done an art journal but one person I follow does and it has inspired me to start one. I am anxious to start. 🙂 I wish you the happiest of holidays ahead and wonderful new year! You will be in my heart and thoughts Cat.

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    1. Cat Post author

      Hiyas Joy… sorry for the slight delay in replying to your comment. Actually, I really am okay about the break. TBH I wouldn’t have had much time this week to attend sessions, anyway. What troubled me was it seemed to stir feelings of loss, or something like that. Not really 100% sure what was at play, but I do think a holiday is what we all need.
      I do keep a therapy journal, but that’s really just serves as a reminder of what I talked about the previous week. I attended a course recently called “Telling your story”, using writing or art work. It was the first time I held a paintbrush since school, but the experience was very relaxing.
      I do hope you also have a nice Christmas and a fulfilling new year. I’ve been awake since 5am and have just sat down….. shattered 😉
      Thanking you for all your support and encouragement

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  2. Lauren

    I always found that even if I wanted a break, I didn’t like it when it happened. The first time my former therapist went on vacation, I counted the days off on a calender and doubled my Klonopin. (This after I’d told him I was perfectly happy to be free for a couple weeks.) I can’t speak for you (you do it so eloquently yourself anyway) but I think that even a brief break can feel like a loss. The person you’re opening up to isn’t going to be there, and especially around this time of year, I think that’s hard.

    Sigh, I don’t know. But we’ll all be here for you and I hope this year you find so much joy you’re overflowing. You deserve it. hugs!! ♥

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    1. Cat Post author

      Hi Lauren… it feels good that you totally get this. Isn’t it weird that we can sit saying one thing only to realise something different later on. I think you’re right about a brief break feeling like a loss and this time of year can definitely be complicated, emotionally.
      Thank you for your thoughtful comment… much appreciated! 😉

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  3. lifeconfusions

    Awh I feel you Cat. Well on the bright side after the break you’d be that much excited and willing to attend the sessions. I hope you have the best holidays in between. Lots of love,
    Zee ❤

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  4. sensuousamberville

    A question I have asked a few times this week. How will the break sit with you… asked in various ways. Answers not always matching with the look in eyes. The holiday is a powerful season, so many memories and emotions are released, anxiety becomes stronger as does depression.

    Cat, tis only a break, sessions will resume. We are not on a break though, here. Remember this too. This is almost like group, slower responses perhaps. Some one on one too. 🙂

    Not alone any more Cat, here you can visit with as many people as you wish, and when cookies and candies are offered, they have no calories.

    *Christmas Hugsss* 🙂

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    1. Cat Post author

      Hi Amber… as always, thank you for your wise supportive comment! I really am okay with the break in itself. It was the emotions that were stirred that got to me. I’m not quite sure what was happening, but I do think the feelings of loss, etc, were more from the distant past than from the current holiday. What is always a big surprise is how dissociated/split I can be when it comes to thinking about the experience and simultaneously feeling the emotion, but I do trust the gap will lessen with time. Anyway, I’m over that little blip now and intend on catching up with other things over the holiday. It’s also a good time to reflect, so I plan to read past posts, which is something I never do. I feel a little disoriented. I thought it might be good to look for the changes other people say they see…. mmm… not sure that makes sense…
      I have been mindful of the calories, but this mornings shopping list wasn’t! To heck with the calories, it’s Christmas and just in time for those new year resolutions about shedding the trifle-pounds… oh, and the lovely box of chocolates from my neighbour… 😉
      (((Lots of Crimbo hugs to you)))

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  5. Susan Irene Fox

    Well, now it’s 19 days, and as a few others said, we’re not on break. Keep writing out loud. We’re here for you. While this is a particularly difficult time of year for many of us, open your heart to non-traditional friends and family. The warmth, encouragement, compassion and love that is gifted through keyboard strokes are just as sincere as those given in person. Some of us may be far away, but we wish the hugs could be given face to face.
    Blessings to you for a healing, joyful and peaceful new year, Cat. ((hugs)) ❤

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    1. Cat Post author

      Hi Susan, it’s so nice to hear from you. Thank you for your kind comment. I do feel a lot of support from my blogging-chums. I hope you have a lovely Christmas 😉

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  6. Ellen

    I wonder how you would have felt if you had mentioned any sense of loss at the upcoming break? I hate therapy breaks, and the last session, I usually spend part of it telling the T about how I feel about his ‘abandonment’. I’ve not been diagnosed with BPD, but I think most therapy clients are going to feel some sense of loss or stress when there is a break. I used to try and keep things buttoned up before vacations, but I’ve stopped trying. I find I feel better honestly expressing myself than I do keeping it inside. It’s been a process though – I didn’t start out like that.

    Peaceful holidays to you Cat, if I don’t ‘see you’ again before Christmas. 🙂

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    1. Cat Post author

      Hi Ellen… If I had mentioned the sense of loss, he might have introduced the abandonment issue. What got to me more was how dissociated I was in Paul’s office. I knew depressions was lurking but felt certain it had nothing to do with the break. A day or so later, it did bring up a few memories from childhood around Christmas times. I feel okay about it now… been busy preparing for Christmas.
      Happy holidays to you too 😉

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    1. Cat Post author

      A very Merry Christmas to you and I’m pleased to hear you’re still partying. 😉 Thank you for thinking of me. Have a wonderful time

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  7. Pingback: Step Right Up…. | INSPIRING my EMOTIONS

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