My very first Blog Post

In response to The Daily Post’s writing prompt: “Hindsight.”

“Hindsight. Now that you’ve got some blogging experience under your belt, re-write your very first blog post”

I don’t usually look back on previous posts, but lately a number of people have commented on changes they have seen happening within me. I went in search of those changes and ended up back at the beginning, my first blog post.  I will say a bit about the changes at the end of the post

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Blog post from May 2013

This feels a bit like being the new kid on the block, unsure what to say, yet eager to make a good impression. I imagine most people who start out blogging, are uncertain where to begin. It’s funny, really, even though it’s an anonymous space, I still worry what other’s might think. Will I have the courage to be completely honest?

There are two main reasons for starting this blog. The first is to improve my love for writing and the second is to change my cowardly view of therapy. There is so much I need to face up to, but I’m not brave when it comes to therapeutic environments. The thought of reliving those experiences, feeling vulnerable and even traumatised AND in front of a Therapist, make me want to run and hide back inside my bubble. I thought a blog might be a good place start.

My life right now is at a dead end and has been for a very long time. I’ve dug myself so deep, I can barely see daylight. The initial solitude came from a mental breakdown many years ago, which steadily evolved into isolation and estrangement from family and friends. You could say I’m wrapped up in cotton wool, terrified of re-joining life again.

I opted out of life by mistake, but for reasons you would perfectly understand. Too many bad things have happened, some I brought upon myself, while others were out of my control. Everyone knows that we really need to feel motivated before we can bring about change, but my main obstacle is feeling too comfortable in this familiar isolation. I’m too afraid of going forward to ask for help and more shit-scared of therapy, even though it is probably the only feasible route from where I am today.

This past while – I would hate to admit how long – life has been bleak. While I’m not exactly suicidal – which is a big change in itself – I am living with severe depression. The flatness and continual apathy are soul-destroying. I barely leave home and don’t really communicate much with anyone. It feels like I’m locked within myself.

I can’t help but feel ashamed of how life turned out. It’s embarrassing to admit where I am now and how I got here, but hey, I’ve got to start somewhere. I am here to face up to the present moment by exorcising the demons from the past and hope to find other’s to share in the journey.

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The posts that followed over the next 18 months revealed parts of my life that were buried deep within the dark recesses of my mind. Through that blogging process, the acceptance and validation from fellow-bloggers helped disperse the humiliation and self-blame that is common amongst survivors of child abuse. The courage and strength I gained from reading other people’s blogs was immense. Subsequently, I pushed forward and asked for help from the local Community Mental Health Team, which quickly improved my depression by appropriate medication. The newfound feeling of wellbeing provided enough enthusiasm to enrol in a number of courses at the Recovery College. Exactly one year from writing that first post, I applied for the one thing I had dreaded the most, therapy.

I no longer feel ashamed of how my life evolved because I defy anyone to face what I did and then come out the other side unscathed. Of course, there is still baggage from the past that I need to off load before I can confidently “take flight,” but I’m now in the 6th month of my two-year therapy programme, so I have every faith in the future.

Lastly, I could say there is still considerable anxiety about “re-joining life”, but then I think, ‘hey, is that not what I’m already doing?’

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17 thoughts on “My very first Blog Post

  1. lifeconfusions

    Cat the way you started and now where you are is a huge achievement within itself. Be proud of yourself because I sure as hell am of you! ❤
    Keep it up, your very first post seem to be mirroring my feelings as of now and I hope I make the same progress as you have.
    Much Love,
    Zee ❤

    Liked by 2 people

    Reply
    1. Cat Post author

      Hi Zee, thank you, I do feel quite chuffed. I’m sorry you’re not in the best place, but try have just a little faith in things getting better…. they will, promise! 😉

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  2. Priceless Joy

    I’m not sure if I will be able to post this. This is the second time I am trying to comment. I thought this post was excellent! You were honest and had the desire to change. 🙂 What really really excites me is the last part you wrote!! That makes me so happy! I think I am going to celebrate. Would you like to have a Coca Cola with me?? 😀

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  3. mandy

    Oh. My. God. Cat, I could just cry reading that first post now. These words, “My life right now is at a dead end and has been for a very long time. I’ve dug myself so deep, I can barely see daylight” are words I probably wrote in journals right before I started blogging myself. You have come so far, Cat. As Byron Katie would say, “You’ve done The Work.” I’m so proud and so happy for you. The worst thing we can do now is expect our lives to be perfect. But never lose that sentence you wrote, Cat, because your life is NOT at a dead end now. There is still much more Work to be done, but you are on the right path now–and it’s not a dead end. ♥

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  4. sensuousamberville

    As a first post it was quite something. I have read some first posts that were more like hello world here I am.. I hesitate to peek at mine. But you reached out and truly read and pondered comments. It wasn’t a lark. Cat, you have treated therapy the same way. You haven’t sought a fix all no side effects pill. When you want to heal… you actually do. You reached that stage. You passed it. You are healing. Therapy is often one step forward and two back. Now you are marching forward. Perhaps pausing at times. To ponder. Then marching forward again. I often ask.. do you want to heal… responding yes is not the same as meaning it. There is work required… effort. Things are clicking for you now. Sense can be made of so many things… therapy being one and how it applies… what tools you are obtaining from it… but also of a much broader thing that shaped you. Now you are re shaping. You found that power.

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    Reply
    1. Cat Post author

      Hi Amber… thank you for such an encouraging comment. In the beginning, I never dreamed of meeting so many supportive people, let alone generate some comments. I do take them seriously and often discuss some in session. I am anticipating a 2 step back scenario at some point, but so far so good 😉 I do hope I’m willing to do ALL the work necessary to heal. Feeling the emotion and, worse still, experiencing/showing it in the company of a Therapist/group is going to be a tough one to break and I often worry it will stand in the way of “complete” healing.

      Happy New Year, Amber!

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  5. Ellen

    I’m impressed how focused your first post is – you seem so clear that you want change, and that you’re thinking about therapy. And then you’ve made good on the still vague wants and plans of the first post. Well done.

    Good to hear you are no longer ashamed. As to rejoining life – after braving group for a whole year – really, what could life throw at you that is more scary than that?? lol.

    Happy New Year.

    Liked by 2 people

    Reply
    1. Cat Post author

      Hi Ellen… it was either change or die! That sounds crude, but pretty much sums up how desperate I was.
      Group definitely is good practice in the courage division. I thought it was 1 year since I started group but in reality, it’s more like 6 months. When I looked back blog posts, I went for the assessment in June. I seem to be in my own time zone 😉

      Happy New Year, Ellen. Hope you’re doing okay

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  6. hurthealer

    It takes courage to revisit the past and look at where you started. But you have revealed your strength and shown how it is possible to move forward in recovery. When I came out of rehab many years ago, everything terrified me. So I kept saying to myself ‘If you’re afraid to do it, do it afraid.’ You have faced the fears too and I’m so excited at what the future holds for you as you go further into reclaiming your life.
    Wishing you much love and happiness in 2015 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
    1. Cat Post author

      I like that one, “do it afraid” it seems to be the only way forward. Thank you for your lovely comment. Happy New Year 😉

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