Welcome to My Travels with Depression makeover for 2015. The new picture is of “The Old Bridge” in Sligachan on the Isle of Skye, which is just off the west coast of Scotland. Not only have I camped on that spot by the river, I also bathed in its chilly waters. It reminds me of a very happy and successful time in my life.
Bloggers will have received their novel annual report from WordPress. I have only published 41 posts during 2014, generating 9,000 views. The most popular day for posting is a Sunday, which fits with the procedure I put in place for processing my therapy programme.
I write in a private journal on Wednesdays, following my individual session with Paul. That will usually generate about 3,000 words and a great deal of contemplation. Friday’s group will see another 2,000 drummed out on my hapless keyboard.
This might sound a little intense but it is the only way I’m able to maintain concentration. It might be the consistent focus or my willingness desperation to heal, but I will usually condense a 500-word conclusion by Sundays… and my weekly post is born.
The WordPress report came at a time when I was already reviewing 2014 posts. They usually concentrate on problems and therapy and I did wonder if it is difficult for people to imagine a real functioning person behind the drama, or maybe it sounds as if there is a permanent cloud looming above my head.
Years ago – oddly enough, at the same time as the camping trips in Scotland – I worked in Drug Rehab and as a telephone Counsellor for National AIDS Helpline and National Drugs Helpline. Employees had lots of training in basic counselling and one of the skills I depended on to survive that employment was the ability to detach from becoming too emotionally involved in some very harrowing cases.
I apply that same skill today – along with various dissociation techniques – by not becoming too involved in my own emotional pain. While posts might seem traumatic and steeped in an abusive past, I do tend to leave the memory within the blog or within therapy sessions.
The Therapists often ask, “How does that feel?” Well, it feels safer to experience those emotions inside my head rather than express them to another human being. It feels humiliating to show my emotions. I cannot help but view this as a blockage to a significant part of the healing process.
I’m not too big on New Year resolutions, but it is a time to reflect and identify any aspirations for the coming year. Um… did I just hear myself say, “Aspirations?” There are a few targets for therapy during 2015, but they all come under the umbrella of two major areas I would like to focus on.
The first is to share a bit more of myself, not only with fellow-bloggers, but also with people in my day-to-day life. It’s all about connection. The second is to work on being more open about my feelings in therapy and to kick humiliation’s ass out of my life.
A very Happy-it’s-all-over-New Year to everyone!