I had a serious problem with rumination for years. In the BPD field, they call this hypermentalising. I cannot pinpoint exactly when that stopped, but it was sometime in recent weeks. I suppose it’s irrelevant how destructive something was, once it leaves our daily lives there’s going to be an empty space. It’s similar to the guilt and self-blame. They have been my companions since childhood, albeit very damaging ones.
Nevertheless, that space inside my head feels void. Sometimes it is easier to sit with the familiar. New places can feel frightening, even if they are better for us. Don’t get me wrong, these new spaces feel great, but there’s still this sense of loss and emptiness prevailing.
As group progressed this morning, I talked a little about this. I started to feel emotional, maybe even a little teary eyed. Apart from the times I cried like a baby when I lost my two cats, I have not shed a tear in twenty years, not even in private. While I didn’t acknowledge this in the group today, the emotion must mean something significant.
One of the group Therapist, Dr J, is the head Psychiatrist for the service. I have worked with her quite a bit over the last six months and she is someone I have come to respect. Whenever she suggests something, even if I cannot see it at the time, it usually transpires as true.
When we were discussing this “depression,” Dr J said, “When we feel this kind of depression, sometimes it can be because of the anger we supress.”
Of course, I am aware of the theory, “supressed anger = depression,” but I’ve not really applied it to my own circumstances. If I think of major change following some kind of grieving process, then somewhere in there must be anger. It is odd, I can see how this makes sense, but I don’t YET feel it.
Maybe I’m in some kind of limbo-land. The most coincidental part is that tears and anger are probably the two emotions I struggle with the most. I wonder if this is the next leg of the journey… tears and anger… this should be interesting.