Group Therapy – Tears and Anger

I had a serious problem with rumination for years. In the BPD field, they call this th2HSRK892hypermentalising. I cannot pinpoint exactly when that stopped, but it was sometime in recent weeks. I suppose it’s irrelevant how destructive something was, once it leaves our daily lives there’s going to be an empty space. It’s similar to the guilt and self-blame. They have been my companions since childhood, albeit very damaging ones.

Nevertheless, that space inside my head feels void. Sometimes it is easier to sit with the familiar. New places can feel frightening, even if they are better for us. Don’t get me wrong, these new spaces feel great, but there’s still this sense of loss and emptiness prevailing.

As group progressed this morning, I talked a little about this. I started to feel emotional, thAMFGAN1Nmaybe even a little teary eyed. Apart from the times I cried like a baby when I lost my two cats, I have not shed a tear in twenty years, not even in private. While I didn’t acknowledge this in the group today, the emotion must mean something significant.

One of the group Therapist, Dr J, is the head Psychiatrist for the service. I have worked with her quite a bit over the last six months and she is someone I have come to respect. Whenever she suggests something, even if I cannot see it at the time, it usually transpires as true.

When we were discussing this “depression,” Dr J said, “When we feel this kind of depression, sometimes it can be because of the anger we supress.”

Of course, I am aware of the theory, “supressed anger = depression,” but I’ve not really applied it to my own circumstances. If I think of major change following some kind of grieving process, then somewhere in there must be anger. thPGN0HL6Q It is odd, I can see how this makes sense, but I don’t YET feel it.

Maybe I’m in some kind of limbo-land. The most coincidental part is that tears and anger are probably the two emotions I struggle with the most. I wonder if this is the next leg of the journey… tears and anger… this should be interesting.

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18 thoughts on “Group Therapy – Tears and Anger

  1. Priceless Joy

    Little boys use to be told (and maybe still are) that “big boys don’t cry.” “Men don’t cry.” What a crock of bull-turds. Everybody cries! After I have cried, it feels like I have been “washed inside.” As badly as it feels at the time, it feels better afterward. You may already follow this young woman but if you do not, please read her poem, “Save Your Tears”. Her name is Ameena and her blog is, “Randoms by a Random.”

    http://randomsbyarandom.wordpress.com/2015/01/09/save-your-tears/

    I’m sorry you are feeling an “empty hole” inside. I sincerely hope that hole is filled with joy very soon! ((Hugs!)) xo ~ PJ

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    1. Cat Post author

      At last I’ve found a header image that will now stay permanently… I think you will agree it looks magnificent and even better that I have also climbed some of those mountains – albeit the little mini ones! Hope you like 😉

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  2. kat

    i have also noticed that sometimes what i find myself feeling in a particular moment is not really what i am ‘feeling’ somewhere up there locked in my head in a place i cannot access. i think i am depressed, or whatever, but later i find out that that was really about something that made me angry or abandoned, or whatever. sometimes, the feelings we think we feel are not. they are coverups for the thing we are really unable/can’t feel (now) but might later.

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  3. Hubert writes

    Hey Cat, I had written A response to this post earlier but lost it when I lost my internet connection.

    What i’d said in part was yeah we really do have a lot in common.

    I love the little cartoon on this post “File Not Found” No kidding file not found!!
    I think I have a whole room sized cabinet with crucial files missing, files that
    I will need to find and go through in order to defrag and disc clean my soul.

    I am certain that our minds work like a computer and once something is punched in it stays there. Things like childhood abuse, assault, rejection, abandonment, emotional torment and the list goes on. I believe the anger, and tears will come at the same time, that they were always there but you and I blocked them.

    Being vulnerable is the key to release here, I know this but I still have both fists up to protect my walls, thats wrong too, I know but its that trust issue.
    If I open my heart near anyone…(here’s where I am, they will cut me to bits and leave me there bleeding.)
    Brene’ Brown/ vulnerability / YouTube is a great video to watch.

    When we were children we trusted, as all children do.
    We without knowing it, in that trust blamed ourselves for everything that happened to us.
    So our minds became self destructive in a sense, and we were shattered as people before we knew we were people.
    The state of ruminating,or hypermentalising is something I had been caught in for decades without knowing it. I also had a few MTBI’s when I was young that doesn’t help.

    Anyway I understand that hollow feeling you spoke about, and how it may have been more
    comfortable when you were there than it is now. I’m still finding myself in that place as well.
    I had so much more to say but my fibro brain lost it all.
    One thing about getting these files out and hashing through them is that those things hidden inside us keep us from being who we really are.
    Our fractured minds, are fractured minds, and a bit like a computer that needs to be defraggmented, and brought back to its original state.

    When we were born we had clear disc’s now we have all this stuff; trauma’s, abuse, rejection, assault, violence, mental torment, etc. to weave our thoughts through and we tend to get lost in it all. I believe thats a huge root to depression and exhaustion all on its own.

    On forgiveness you know Im a believer In Jesus Christ as saviour, so I’ll say this, Jesus speaking of God said if we forgive we will be forgiven and if not then not.

    Thats okay and good, but two things I want to say on that note: 1. We can and do forgive all that we know, but in forgiving, we need to remember, not to go back and subject ourselves to the previous programmers in our lives. Because although we are changed and changing, they are not and likely will not. So they are still a great danger to us if they can re capture us, and we need to guard our treasure, which for us is whatever freedom and release we can achieve from the past.
    2. We forgive all what we know, but we know that we don’t yet know all that we one day will, so we need to rest our hearts in the confidence that once we understand we will forgive.

    3. Forgiveness is like getting out of the jail you built with your own hands, and have been to sole guardian of. You didn’t know that you had no prisoners in there, just you; and you, and I guard our jails diligently keeping ourselves bound to the bars with our weapons in hand. Thats the primary reason for forgiveness, it has less to do with the offender than with our freeing our own hearts! When the work is done we can burn our jails, and “go fishing!” “or something”!

    When we were kids and our minds were fractured we glued then back together with whatever we could find to use as glue. We did a great job,
    now we are adults and we are realizing that we need to see what we glued our walls with so we can repair the previous damage to our souls.

    So we soak our wounds and pry them open carefully even timidly until we see a spot, or break, then sometime we reel with pain, sometimes with tears,
    sometimes with busted hearts and minds, but we have to go on. and we will go on, and when we come through the greatest joy
    of our hearts will be to help others escape the prisons we were in for so long.

    Hubertsbest@wordpress.com

    Y/T Hubert

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  4. mandy

    Cat, that Header photo–you turned awesome into magnificent! My god the beauty of the mountains behind the bridge–spectacular!

    Your post really touches on something many of us probably go through (let’s hope we go through and then beyond!) with wondering why we get so uncomfortable with the empty space in our mind–the part that gets healed. It’s been there for so long it’s almost like having a third leg removed. Even though it wasn’t meant to be there, if it became part of who we are it doesn’t feel right having it gone. I’ve been doing the same thing. I wake up hours early and TRY to conjure up the old painful memories. It’s crazy–they are growing so dim and ready to leave since I’m “moving on” but I almost don’t know what I’ll think about without them! I’m trying to kick myself in the butt and out of bed when that happens and tell myself I better be care what I wish for!

    Let the tears and the anger flow, Cat. They are healing salve! ((hugs!))

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    1. Cat Post author

      I just came up with that image about an hour ago… you are the first to see. The image that was up when I posted this post simply said “Blog”. I have actually climbed some of those mountains!

      I understand what you mean about conjuring up old memories and how some are fading into the past. I’ve experienced a bit of this and know that there are many more to come. Sometimes I think I should write all the memories down before they heal and become forgotten.

      Thank you, Mandy

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      1. mandy

        Yes, write them down, Cat. Don’t leave anything inside waiting for a vulnerable time to surface. Deal with every last bit. Some people have them all written on pieces of paper and when they’ve really healed, they throw them in a big bon-fire. I’ve thought about doing that one day–when that day comes! (But knowing me I’ll probably have a copy saved on a thumb drive, lol!)

        Oh, to think you’ve hiked those mountains!! Incredible 🙂

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  5. your mirror

    Happy New Year Cat, it seems already very new, congratulations!! I felt the same void when it happened to me a few months ago, I was constantly emotional, flooding tears and lump in throat (is the latter a correct expression in Englsh?). I have to admit that the first time it hit me I felt happy, I could perceive that something was changing. I did not wait too long for filling in that empty space with scientific meditations, so that I could endeavor to reduce to the minimum the normal relapses in the land of nowhere. I realize that it is easier for me because science has always been a passion rather than a job, and saved me from degenerative situations (besides paying for my bills), but I would suggest you to slingshot yourself to internet (or other source of ideas) to type any words comes to your mind in order to find quickly a passion which will lead your life. I think it helps in the healing process. At the beginning it is hard, at least in my case as I naturally tend towards laziness, but with some efforts it becomes natural.
    As for what I am concerned, I think I am living in a dream, probably accomplice my new flat with a view on 3 castles sorted on a line….
    Don’t Stop!

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    1. Cat Post author

      Happy new year and thank you for your support and encouragement. Your new flat sounds great and, yes, a lump in your throat is an English expression 😉

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  6. manyofus1980

    Its good to cry sometimes. Its a relief to release the tears. Its natural to feel anger too. Feel it. My therapist said emotions wont kill us. I think she’s right. XX

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