Therapy Tears & Anger

thV8WZGL2MI wanted to respond to the daily prompt as a way of taking my mind off therapy, but it seems today’s prompt had different ideas. I had to laugh at the irony of writing about what I’m trying to avoid. Things generally happen for a reason in my world, so I’ll run with it and see where we go.

The biggest disagreement in my life is with my parents. This “difference of opinion” has been ongoing from childhood and it feels as emotive today as it did back then. Talks failed many years ago.  We agreed to disagree rather than reach a resolve. Of course, these unresolved issues would never bring us closer together, but I didn’t expect them to drive us so far apart.

This has been an extremely difficult week. It all started last Friday at group therapy. We were exploring the reasons why I might be feeling depressed.  It felt contradictory to the other positive changes happening in my life.

Dr J said, “Sometimes depression can be the result of supressed anger.”

I thought, ‘What? Suppressed anger? Who the *bleep* said anything about anger’?

Later that evening, it didn’t take much for the penny to drop. If we remove the guilt and self-blame from the abuse we endured as children, the victim is bound to feel anger towards the abusers. And then something quite unexpected happened.  Out of nowhere came a tidal wave of very painful childhood memories accompanied by the most incredible anger. I mean burning, seething, throbbing RAGE. I wanted to run for the mountains, but I have been running all my life.  This isthLRVHNCF5 therapy. This is why I am here.

These supressed emotions are the catalyst to years of depression. The time has come to do what Dr J suggests, “Observe the feeling.” Over the last five days, I tried to write my way through it, but words fail to describe the rage for a childhood riddled with abuse. There were hours when I thought the anger might explode through every pore in my body as I recalled the violence and the systematic rejection. I could feel the chilling fear that ruled my childhood.  I relived the helplessness, the cruel injustice, I seethed because my parents cannot see, or admit, the damage they created.

By “Observing the feelings,” I have realised something new.  The emotion that anger so cleverly conceals is the devastating feelings of hurt. Hurt for all the bad things that ever happened to that traumatised child.

Today’s group therapy was extremely powerful. Everyone is at the same stage in battling anger from their own childhood. Each group member had a tale to tell. Anger erupted and some tears flowed, but even though I started the discussion, I didn’t have much to say. I couldn’t.  There are no words.

th9IBGET77I was boiling inside and my voice trembled with years of supressed emotion as I attempted to “describe the feelings.” I wanted so badly to release the pressure and right up until the end of session, I could not see how this was possible… until now. As I sit “observing the feelings,” there is a very satisfying sense of peace beginning to seep through.

It seems my diversion to the Daily Prompt was no coincidence after all.

Daily prompt. Agree to Disagree:  Do you have a good friend or close relative with whom you disagree on a major issue (political, personal, cultural)? What’s the issue, and how do you make the relationship work?

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/dp_prompt/

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7 thoughts on “Therapy Tears & Anger

  1. The Faces of Depression

    Interesting, introspective, and insightful post. I’m sorry for whatever happened to you. I know that sounds insincere since we’ve never met, but truly mean it. Given the project I am working on, I get to talk to people pretty frequently that suffer from depression and anxiety. I always feel like I’m looking into a reflection pool. Everyone may be different in the degree or manner that they feel an express they thoughts and problems, but it there is still that similar smell or taste of it that makes me relate. As I have conversations with them, I sit and shake my head “yes” wanting to burst in and yell “Yes!!, I so know what you’re talking about !” But they would probably look at me like I’m a lunatic.

    You have beautiful writing skills. I can only assume you’re a writer by trade. As I read your post, I had a vivid picture or what’s was going on. I just felt the ned to reach out and tell you that.

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    Reply
    1. Cat Post author

      I think you’re right, we do all relate in one way or another. Thank you for such a nice complimentary comment, you’ve no idea how much I needed to hear something like that right now. No, I’m definitely no writer by trade, I don’t even consider myself to be anything more than a VERY amateur writer. The post I just published today might explain that a little more.

      Thank you for your feedback, much appreciated! 😉

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      Reply
  2. manyofus1980

    Glad you got the anger out. Observing is good. Standing back and objectively looking at why we feel a certain way is a good thing. I hope it helped you and I’m glad you were able to do that. Sending hugs xoxo

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
  3. Sharon Alison Butt

    Great article! I’m so glad you managed to let the anger out and survive. You have every right to be hurt and livid towards the ones who were supposed to nuture you, protect you, love and cherish you. You will come out of this strong enough to be of good help to others, whether they be children or adults. Don’t measure strength by what others are achieving – they haven’t had your life. Your strength is what some other weak person needs and the very God who watched it all happen is the very God who is guiding you out of the pit and setting your feet upon a rock. He is giving you a firm place to stand and if you totter from time to time, that’s okay, he knows why and has already made allowances for it. As for your parents, one day, whether they believe it or not, they will have to stand before God and give an account of how they treated you. Their precious boy was only on loan to them from God and they misused their gift (you) trashed it and left it in the garbage to find it’s own way out. God has a special heart for children and does not take this lightly. He’s not blind nor deaf and knows everything they did to you. We all will reap what we have sown. X

    Liked by 1 person

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