Turning up for therapy unprepared can often transpire as some of the most powerful sessions, but they do require a little more rummaging around before anything significant emerges. That sounds a bit like a Psychic Medium who waits for the spirits to ‘come through’, and it can feel as if I’m waiting for an inner part to express itself.
At first, my mind flutters in and out of previous sessions, searching for a connection. It is a nerve-wracking process because my paranoia is on high alert and I would hate to disappoint Paul, or worse, bore him.
Eventually, I bring up the Client-Therapist relationship. We have discussed this briefly in previous sessions, not because it’s a significant part of my therapy, but because it holds very little importance.
The book, ‘Psychotherapy in a Nutshell’, talks about the importance of having a good working relationship with your Therapist. “The relationship is a central vehicle through which psychological change occurs.” Apparently, the client-Therapist relationship mirrors the ones we have in our personal lives. “As the therapeutic relationship begins to grow and change, so does the clients relationship with other people.” Really?
Paul talked a lot about his idea of our professional relationship. He went on and on about all the things he liked and admired about me. I wondered what he was trying to achieve because it meant so very little. He, as an individual, means so very little.
I am not sure if I had any specific intention for bringing this up other than to acknowledge my observations. I did not need this apparent bonding exercise and I do wonder if Paul misunderstood, or maybe he was trying to evoke some kind of response, intentionally.
I cannot trust Paul’s thoughts and feelings. However, I do trust his professionalism and I have experienced his empathic understanding, and his ability to put me at ease. This is all it takes to work with him effectively.
We touch on a couple of major crisis I experienced a few years ago and how these times are usually when we discover who our true friends are. I talk in general about people who let me down, starting with my parent’s, and how that affects trusting people today.
I have probably said this before, but it feels like I live within a transparent plastic bubble. I can see people and they see me, but the plastic muffles our voices and there is definitely no chance of connection. The similarities to the relationships I have in the therapy programme are clear to see.
I love writing about therapy because it helps to process and remember the session, but it can also evolve into new realisations and today is no exception.
Yes, there are people who let me down, but there are also those who tried to reach out and, ultimately, I let them down. I let myself down. I am not altogether sure why I never gave anyone a chance. Maybe I assumed their loving care and their support would always be conditional, or maybe there is an unconscious belief that I do not deserve the unconditional.