In between weekly therapy, I write my way through a “self-therapy” process and I need to trust there is a safety net each week in the shape of a real Therapist. Why is this so difficult to establish?
Paul and I have been meeting for eight months now, but he has cancelled at least five, maybe six, sessions. I did explain after last time how it made me feel, trying not to sound too judgemental, or condescending. He didn’t say why he was absent last time, but I barely gave him a chance. I do possess a very selfish approach to therapy.
Some people like to know a little about their Therapist, whereas I would rather not. If Paul is off due to a physical illness, then I would only feel uncomfortable bemoaning about my pitiful life. If he suffers depression, it would only fuel my fears of our sessions making him worse. This is why I prefer to work with a blank canvas because it ensures my freedom to explore whatever I like without worrying about the response.
One of the most difficult things about this saga is that Paul is a wonderful Therapist, whenever he decides to show up, that is. I have met a few over the years and he is one of the best. I probably underestimate the connection we already have and I am free to share anything, without judgement.
The programme comes as a package, comprising weekly individual sessions with Paul and group therapy. Unless I want to leave the programme, it looks like I am stuck with a reasonable group and a Therapist who is possibly a little unreliable.
Nevertheless, the overall therapeutic focus continues to improve life on an almost weekly basis, sometimes I feel like a stranger in my own body. A major hinge of that change comes from interacting with so many amazing people, both on this blog and equally on theirs.
I am doing a blogging 101 course this week and have come to realise just how special my blog actually is, not so much the content of posts, but it is more about the community of people who come and go, always so ready to offer advice and comfort, or just a shoulder to moan on.
I want to say thanks to each one of you who make my blog so very special.