“Therapist and patient, when they are well-matched and both working hard, spin a spider’s web as the session begins. The fibers are fine, almost invisible. With time, the net grows. If strong enough and recreated session after session, the strands thicken and better bear the weight of personal disclosure. Yet they still can be torn and retorn.”
“This is not necessarily a bad thing. All of life must be tested and resilience can only grow out of disappointment. We live in a world of unreliability. Nothing is permanent and yet we seek permanence. So we weave the web — together. With familiarity, the strands are more easily rewoven when a rift develops. Confidence grows. A safety net seems possible.”
The continuity struggles under the weight of cancellations, but I do believe Paul is a good Therapist. I didn’t need to explain how it affects my programme, he already knows, although I was still encouraged to talk openly and express any anger, if needed.
I had no reference point for his absence, but this was due to my snotty attitude of, “not wishing to know anything about my Therapist.” I realise this is a clever tactic to keep Paul at arm’s length and he seemed pleased that I am beginning to let down my guard. He said, “You’re welcome to ask me anything.”
The recent time off is due to a couple of nasty viruses, which affected appointments. I believed the assurances that this is not the norm, he and his family are all well, and there are no foreseeable cancellations.
His absences may well trigger a whole range of highly emotive memories, but he’s not to blame for my state of mind, there is no animosity. If therapy takes place within the Client and Therapist relationship, then this is an ideal opportunity to work through some of my own problems.
Do I feel better? No! Unfortunately, this raises a number of questions regarding why I’ve endured so much abusive-type behaviour in the past, especially from certain family members. I’ve always gone back in attempt to repair the relationship, even though it’s not in my best interest.
Apparently, every family has a “whipping boy” and I am definitely the fall-guy. No matter how hard I tried, my best could never please them. I have listened to why our problematic relationship is all my fault, and I endured their pointing fingers for too long. Like the good little whipping boy, I never learned to fight my corner.
Things are changing and I no longer find their attitudes or accusations acceptable. It conjures a lot of anger for so many different reasons, past and present. This has always been a very self-destructive emotion, which made today a little more difficult to get through. I don’t know how to unravel it or let it go… but this is therapy for you.
You can find Dr Gerald Stein’s amazing post here