Castle & Moat

I didn’t attend therapy last week due to the hospital fiasco, I feel a little out of touchth532FIEZM already. Looking back through my blog, which is like a memory bank, I now remember talking about “The Void.” Maybe this is why everything feels so blank right now.

There is this metaphorical Castle and Moat that I built with my own bare hands over many years. It is my crusade for ridiculous isolation and keeps me safe from the world I perceived as dangerous. The only problem is that the original building plans never did include a drawbridge.

It feels as though I already have the materials to build a bridge, which will reconnect with life on the outside. I just need to figure out how to put it all together.

All of this sounds positive stuff, but excuse the absence of a royal fanfare. We need to really want something before we’re able to bring about the necessary changes to achieve it. I am not sure where my motivation is, or maybe I’m uncertain of which direction to take.

thDCBQB7FJ

None of this comes easy. I’ve been isolated for so many years, I’m too comfortable and protected from all the nasty things that might – WILL – happen in the big bad world, but this doesn’t mean I should avoid facing them.

Many of us take trust for granted, but it’s an essential ingredient for living together harmoniously and for going about our business with a certain degree of safety. Of thL8M3E5X1course, there are different levels of trust, but each of them begins with the most basic, trust in strangers.

Apart from family members, every person in your life was once a stranger who you needed to trust to reach a point where the relationship is today.

I used to pretend to trust people and would build my relationships on false foundations, which is probably why everyone came to mean very little. If I’ve never experienced trust as a child, how would I know what it is or how to experience it?

The only emotion I feel right now is a kind of blandness, not feeling or thinking much of anything. The territory feels strange, even a little disconcerting, but I’m going to stick with it and see what unfolds at Wednesday’s therapy with Paul.

Advertisements

25 thoughts on “Castle & Moat

  1. Priceless Joy

    I understand that feeling, blandness, non-trust issues. I feel like that is where I am right now. Seems everyone I have trusted has stuck a knife in my back. I have built a wall up between me and my feelings. Sadly, that isn’t what I want, to be alienated from my feelings or from trusting because that is a huge part of living life fully. I wish the best for you Cat. I hope your therapy from here on out gives you the tools, desire, and confidence to live life fully and on your own terms.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
  2. therabbitholez

    Trust comes naturally to some and others like myself it takes a lot for me to be really open, it’s learned behaviour and also when your trust has been destroyed from a young child you have a jaded view of the world, which is to be expected.

    As time moves forward you will find that you take that leap of faith as it were, even if the circle of trust is a small one,the nurturing it can bring is valuable, so get your plans out and start thinking about how your going to construct that drawbridge, and don’t forget when you walk across it, it’ll be on your terms.

    Liked by 2 people

    Reply
  3. cbecker53

    It is hard to build trust, certainly, and especially when you have trusted and been burned in the past. And that’s why you built your castle surrounded by a moat. What a wonderful idea, and analogy. I feel like I have built a castle and moat around myself a lot of times, but I think I do occasionally build a bridge, or take a little boat or something across. But when I get burned, I quickly retreat back to my castle. This is no way for us to live though, so I’m glad you think you have the materials and may start building that bridge. When you do, try to stay out among the world as much and as long as you can. You can always retreat back to your castle temporarily, but keep the bridge up and open so you can travel back again when you’re able.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
  4. Ellen

    Could be a good sign that you have the thought of the bridge and the building materials. That’s a first step.

    I wonder if the feelings of blandness are still a reaction to your C procedure? It takes me a few days to recover emotionally from procedures, and a ‘feeling’ I get then is a kind of numbness.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
    1. Cat Post author

      The blandness could well be down to the C and everything else that went with it. I am feeling wiped out an more than a little down for no apparent reason. Thank you Ellen

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply
  5. mandy smith

    I wish I could offer words of support, Cat. I never had even family members who gave me reason to trust, so I trust no one either. Even my own children. Always waiting to be abandoned . . .I hope you find a way to build that bridge in counseling,Cat.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
      1. mandy smith

        I think it’s happening, Cat. I live in the city of bridges, and I’ve watch them being built for years. Seems to me, building the foundation takes the longest. ❤

        Liked by 1 person

        Reply
  6. janetcate

    Loved the blog. I too have spent a great deal of time in isolated from the world. I really only feel safe and comfortable inside my home. I do go out but it truly wipes me out. Right now I am easing my way back into the world through the use of the internet. I have several communities that I am part of right now. I want others to help me to grow into my fullness. To me that is what community and relationships are for. If they don’t do that then I will choose to remain somewhat isolated in my home.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
    1. Cat Post author

      Your comment is like reading my own words. The communities on the internet are what have supported my move forwards. Thank you for your comment

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply
  7. edwinasepisodes

    You have spent so long keeping yourself apart from everyone for your own ‘protection’ that it is going to be tricky building that bridge. I am sure though that when you are really ready to trust again, then you will be prepared to start. You have had quite an awful experience in the last week with that C procedure, which has knocked you a little off course too.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
  8. eebrinker

    nothing wrong with protecting yourself. a large percentage of emotional upheaval is caused by other people. and therapists keep their jobs when people interact, so they want you to do lots of interaction. community is a necessity of human life. but it’s ok to give yourself time and decide how you want to contribute. trust is a big word. but maybe one of the bigger problems is other people having faith in you. maybe others should trust you.

    Like

    Reply

Your feedback counts

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s