Snotty Cow

Dr C has never held a conversation with me since she joined the therapy group threethWO80MS6L months ago. I’ve tried to engage with the coldness several times, but it’s difficult to connect with a Therapist who appears distant and downright friggin rude at times.

If I’m trying to interact with someone, but there’s a distance in the dynamics, the experience can transport me back to childhood where I regress within that same sense of exclusion I felt as a child. This has taken me years to understand and I want to stand up against it rather than sink into one of those detached silent episodes.

I already talked about this in the group last week, including how I feel about this odd character, Dr C, but it evidently made little difference. Just because she triggers something from my narcissistic upbringing, doesn’t mean to say she’s not being a snotty cow.

thZCS0JRE4Yes, Cat was sharpening his claws on Friday and that little bit of agitation can feel like the last straw to a mountain of supressed anger from the past. My focus was on Dr C, but she was still looking downwards, even after I started to speak.

Me: “When we enter this therapy room on a Friday, our Therapist, Frankie, welcomes everyone with a smile while you, Dr C, sit there with your head almost between your knees, I often wonder if you’re actually sucking your toes down there.” I have her attention now.

Frankie: Her small stature shifts uncomfortably in the seat. “Yes, but remember we talked about what this represents for you, Cat… the distance, your parents…and how that causes you to retreat.”

Dr C: Mumbles beneath a large hand, now covering half her face, only the eyes are visible and she’s beginning to creep me out. Her English is perfect, but it sounds like she has a sweaty sock stuffed in her mouth. “Yez, go von,” she says in a very neutral-I-don’t-care-tone, which only riles me further.

Me: “The distance I sometimes feel in this room may well remind me of my parents, but your face is still on the floor and it’s rude. I try to feel some sort of connection, but I only seem to hit a frosty front and it’s difficult to find trust in there.”

Dr C: Says nothing, her eyes in a Therapist squint, searching for a deeper meaning within me, but I am adamant that she needs to own part of this.

A couple of other group members shared similar experiences, so it was a relief to realise this is not just my perception. While they talked, I was fighting to compose the misplaced anger.

Me: “When I shared during check-in this morning, you didn’t look at me once, it’s not the first time, and I feel you must have some sort of problem with me…”

I wasn’t looking for their feedback, just as well because I didn’t get any. Nothing could change what I said… actions speak louder than words. Dr C was a little vague, “Maybe you have a point.”

I assumed she meant I had a point about her being a snotty cow, but later that night IthCQGLNBGY wondered if she was actually saying, “You’re right, I have a problem with you.”

The most important thing for me is that I was honest and my self-esteem is no longer at risk of suffocating in silence. Who cares what the snotty cow thinks.

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34 thoughts on “Snotty Cow

  1. edwinasepisodes

    How strange Dr C sounds. It doesn’t seem like she wants to be there if she is looking at the floor and not engaging with anyone. At least you got to say what you wanted Cat, and you don’t need to concern yourself as to what she thinks about you!

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        1. Cat Post author

          There’s tons of it in London, neighbours don’t speak, but of course I know everyone. They must think I’m a bit weird wanting to talk to them all and some were more difficult to crack than others, but the Scots in me can’t walk by someone who I’ve lived beside for 16years, just wrong

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      1. Em Well

        your welcome and thank you for sharing this. I have a pretty good idea how hard it was for you to do. For me, the next time was a tad bit easier. .

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  2. Sharon Alison Butt

    Wow! I’m amazed at your boldness. Well done! Not just the fact that you confronted the bovine beast but that after she responded in snotty denial, you went at her again! Gosh, there’s at least 20 people I’d love to do thid to, but I hate confrontation. This is a BIG step towards you making appropriate boundaries and staking your claim. You are right that this behaviour is totally unacceptable and you’re right not to put up with it. Way to go!

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    1. Cat Post author

      Lol “bovine beast” very funny 🙂 I also hate confrontation, my voice was quivering with emotion, but as you say, it’s more about setting boundaries and saying how I feel without being wracked with guilt for hurting feelings, like I did with the Narc mother… and I don’t do well with someone’s rudeness, no need for it. Thank you, Sharon, you cheered me up

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  3. pricelessjoy

    I agree with the others Cat. I think it is great that you could confront the situation and let her know how it makes you feel. Maybe she will either get better or quit. Way to go!!

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  4. Ellen

    I did have a very particular reaction to this Cat, and I trust you will not renounce me as a blog buddy forever if I express it? Toes and fingers crossed.

    I also admired you for tackling this so forthrightly. My own view though is that of the two therapist reactions you are describing, C seems like the better therapist. Frankie seems to be trying to shut down the situation – getting you to back down, saying, oh, it’s just your past, remember? While C seems not to be trying to manipulate anything, but letting you have your feelings entirely and express them, while not getting defensive. That is not entirely easy.

    I’m also not sure that C”s demeanor is obviously bad, though she is clearly triggering you and some others. At least in a therapy group, where you are trying to not manipulate, it doesn’t seem bad. Say I walked into a group, and one of the T’s always looks down. I might think, oh, she’s shy, or I might like that she leaves space for others to talk, or I might like that she takes time to think before she says much. I think the fact that you are offended maybe does speak a lot to your own past and your own issues.

    Maybe she’s bad, maybe not, I don’t know. But from this little story – both of you are doing what you need to in group.

    Well done.

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    1. Cat Post author

      Och I could never banish you, Ellen 🙂 I might wholeheartedly agree… with most of it. I know what she’s triggering and maybe I’ve been a little too tough on her, I’m not too sure. As you say, the most important thing is I did what I needed to do, which her and Frankie said was encouraging. Throughout the rest of the group, she was being more attentive with everyone, especially me… see what a little bit of effort can do! 😉 I think she means well and maybe didn’t realise how distracting it is to look away or fiddle with things when people are trying to engage. I am quite sure we will interact better when she return from her 2 weeks break… hallelujah 🙂 Thanks, Ellen, honesty is always appreciated.

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  5. therabbitholez

    Firstly good for you for speaking up,Dr C seem uninterested, which is at odd with the job she’s supposed to do, how can she expect people to connect to their emotions and events of the past, if she doesn’t engage which then helps you get safely to the other side.

    I also find it odd that there is little or no eye contact, does she not realise the effect that this can have on you and the others, and it’s bloody rude, in your group you are all important and when someone doesn’t aknowledge you, it’s like they’re saying your not worthy of my time.

    Glad to see others spoke up, it might give her something to think about, as she isn’t aiding your recovery process at all.

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    1. Cat Post author

      She is a little on the weird side and probably not aware how she was coming across. Everyone was nice enough to her and she did interact a lot better, so she can do it when she tries. It might be a learning curve for all of us, it certainly was for me and it reintroduced this issue I have with supressed anger and what I should do with it, but that’s another post. Thanks so much for your supportive words

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  6. mincs1

    Good for you for speaking up! 🙂
    That is not an easy thing to do and even more awkward when the person you are addressing still refuses to engage with you.

    Liked by 2 people

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    1. Cat Post author

      I think speaking up, rightly or wrongly, was the key lesson and she did perk up afterwards, so happy days all round in the end 🙂 Thank you

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  7. littlevoicetalks

    Something going on for her. But that’s her baggage. And hopefully she’ll be working through it in supervision. Xx

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    1. Cat Post author

      There’s a couple of Therapists in this unit who carry their own baggage, that’s quite clear to see sometimes. I think she did take on board what we were saying and we weren’t nasty . I was more forceful in a quiet way, but that was because she sounded like she wasn’t getting it. Anyway, the lesson is to always speak out, thank you for commenting

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  8. Borderline Functional

    Good on you for speaking up! That must have been hard for you but I hope it helps you move past her behaviour knowing that you have attempted to discuss it and that means the ball is in her court. Very frustrating that she is a therapist and can’t see the importance of supportive interactions with the group! :/
    xx

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  9. cardamone5

    Voicing those thoughts that inevitably turn defeating is so important because it almost arrests that internal process and nullifies the negative effect: when you realize that your perceptions are valid, and you’re not crazy! Good for your for having the courage, and for giving yourself that affirmation.

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    1. Cat Post author

      There were two choices, say what I feel or sit through another group in silence and then beat myself up for being a dork! She is a weird character and probably didn’t realise how she came across. We’ll see how it pans out on her return from a 2 week break… I’m looking forward to group this week 🙂

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  10. Glynis Jolly

    BRAVO! You were so articulate in verbally expressing your feelings about how that woman treats you. You weren’t mean or nasty, just honest. I’m green with envy. I wish I had your courage. I do believe you’ve crumbled a huge ugly wall that’s been in your way for far too long. ❤

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    1. Cat Post author

      Hi Glynis… I was like a little mouse, really, quiet quivering voice, but that was more to do with the supressed anger. The most important part was to speak my mind rather than feel the weight of silence. I do agree, that wall is crumbling. Thank you, Glynis, much appreciated 🙂

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  11. mandy

    Standing up to people is the most difficult thing in the world for me , Cat, so I admire you for speaking up. Maybe you’ll start seeing a change now- hope. You shouldn’t go away feeling like what you have to say isn’t important. We should have expectations of our counselor in my opinion. Be proud of yourself!

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  12. Pingback: Anger & Fear Meltdown | My Travels with Depression

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