As most readers might remember, the brain-swirling rumination over family dynamics reached saturation point last week. Maybe I needed to get that exhaustive state before I could find enough motivation to end it.
I told Paul, my Therapist, the last thing I need while therapy is in progress is to be around a narcissistic mother. The slightest connection has the potential to bring all our hard work and the non-rumination policy crashing through the floor.
I explained to Paul that it’s highly likely mum will manipulate my sister into organising a trip to London in the next few weeks. He wondered why I was so certain.
I received a text from the martyr about five-weeks ago, which was the first in over 8-10mths. The relationship is not only dysfunctional, but it’s also heart breaking. We’ve not even communicated by phone in over fifteen years.
Anyway, she was thinking about visiting London on her own but when she added, “But I’ll need your help to get around,” I could feel that familiar ball and chain slowly wrap its way around my neck and I promptly turned her down with the feeble excuse of being too busy.
The martyr has never been able to take ‘no’ for answer. I knew she would soon find something else in London, like an exhibition, and set about manipulating my sister into organising the trip as well as taking responsibility for texting me their plans.
On Tuesday this week, only six days after my prediction, my prophecy came true with a text from my sister. Un-bloody-believable. They are in London this weekend for the Chelsea Flower Show, which is only twenty minutes’ walk from where I live.
My sister did not suggest we meet, but the text still asks, albeit in a rather passive aggressive manner. There’s no need to tell me how disappointed and hurt they are, or how selfish and inconsiderate I am, because they have said it all before, countless times.
The martyr hasn’t texted… yet. My next prediction is that their disapproval will trickle from my mobile phone like poison.
It was strange to have the non-rumination policy put to the test so soon, but I’ve managed it quite well. Yes, indulging in the odd rant here and there does prove too tempting at times, but I do swat those thoughts like flies, eventually.
Nevertheless, my guilty conscience is in overdrive this week. The fact is, the martyr’s narcissism robs her of the ability to see past herself. She views the relationship problem as it stands today, in the shape of me rejecting her. Her abusive and manipulative behaviour simply does not exist.
My sister and I get along reasonably well and even though she was also a victim of our mother’s abuse, she cannot help but feel sorry and guilty on her behalf. We were always responsible for our mother’s moods. Each time I refuse to meet the martyr, it tears my sister and I further apart.
I am angry and pissed off. This weekend will be difficult and I imagine there will be times when the old rumination battle will rage back and forth, but I will do my best to keep a lid on it… wish me luck, I might need heaps of it