Sending my sister, “Sissy,” this email on Thursday transpired as a bit of an anti-climax. It dawned on me that this is only the first step towards the ultimate no-contact rule. The next battle for liberation is with the Martyred mother, although she is the easiest person in the world to avoid.
The family fell apart years ago, we’ve barely been in touch for fifteen years, but Sissy always was the strongest link. In hindsight, this only held the family dysfunction together and her habit of carrying stories under a veil of sworn secrecy often contributed to the tense dynamics. It made sense to deal with her first.
I quickly realised on Friday that Sissy would never share the content of my email with the martyred mother. Not only does it reveal truth, it touches on memories of an abusive childhood and Sissy would never risk the explosive response.
It’s highly possible Sissy will mirror the martyred role by slightly twisting my message, “I tried my best… he wants to be alone… I am so upset.” Sometimes, she just can’t help herself.
When I first read about narcissism, the last person I expected to see was my sister. I’m still unsure whether she is a personification of the martyred mother’s “mini-me,” or if she became a narcissist.
Sissy was also a victim of childhood violence and by the time she turned twelve, her fear of the narcissistic mother was so great that she never left home again, other than to attend school.
I’m very aware of my sister’s demons and it’s sad that she’s unlikely to experience the same validating freedom. Her survival as the Golden-child was always dependent on the narcissist’s approval and what better way than to contribute to my role as scapegoat.
Sissy did respond to my email on Friday.
“I have tried to keep the communication open between us but as much as it upsets me I will respect your need to be by yourself.”
I appreciate that the content of my email wasn’t up for discussion, but I couldn’t help wonder if Sissy’s reply suggests, “But, you’re still to blame because I tried.”
An hour after Sissy’s email, she sent a YouTube video about funny dogs, but I was willing to believe it must be a mistake, until today. I returned home from walking Jack this morning only to discover that Sissy had called my home number while we were out.
I feel disappointed and more certain of the no-contact rule until therapy ends in December. It appears Sissy neither respects nor understands the first thing about my email. It’s purposefully vague but truthful and I can achieve nothing from elaborating and ultimately disagreeing. I asked for the time, she understood enough to “respect your need” and my gut instinct tells me to leave it there for now.