Memories of Violent Crime & the Feelings.

I don’t usually remember the anniversary of this occasion, but I was supping morning coffee when something on the radio reminded me of today’s date. The kitchen clock eerily read, July 12th 9.20am, the exact same date, and time when the horror began, twenty-four years ago. That may seem a heck of a long time, but in terms of recovering from this kind of crime/trauma, it is merely a blink of an eye.

I’ve already written about this attempted murder experience, so I’ll not go into details here. I posted about the actual incident in, “My Attacker.” If violence and blood ‘triggers’ you, it might not be the best post to read.

The location was rural and as I crashed head first through my assailants bedroom window, the sound of breaking glass was like a bomb going off and people came running from the next street, only to find a blood soaked body lying motionless beneath a 20ft drop. The first neighbour on scene happened to be a nurse.

It was raining heavily that morning and as she tried to keep me conscious, the raindrops were splashing the side of my face and running through my hair. Don’t ask me why I asked the most bizarre question, “Excuse me, but do you have an umbrella?” I’ve always been partial to dissociating from the emotional pain, but the flippancy was a sign of the years to come.

A local police officer arrived seconds later and recorded the time as 9.30am. I couldn’t feel any part of my body and neither could I move. My assailant crouched over my head and for a moment, I thought he might just finish what he started.

This morning, as I watched the second hand slowly tick from 9.20 to 9.30, I recalled the details of those life-changing minutes. Despite undergoing specialist therapy for PTSD and months of sessions over the years, I’ve never been able to connect with the emotions, but today was different.

This experience just happens to coincide with yesterday’s post about our resistance to what hurts the most. In the last 10mths, Paul has listened to my story cover to cover. We encompassed everything that I originally set out to address, but I wasn’t expecting this foreboding sense of emptiness and uncertainty. What now?

I read somewhere that this is where some of the most important work takes place in therapy, when we stand alone with only the emotion. The Therapists already know the details, now it’s time to share the raw feelings. I wish we could just skip this part of the healing process.

Paul is the best Therapist I’ve ever met and if I can get through this with anyone, I can do it with him, but time is not on our side. This is only a Two-year therapy programme and I am already half way through.

There is no room for jostling around with ‘resistance’, but the prospect of actually experiencing those long-denied emotions is not only frightening, it feels like one of the most unnatural things to do.

Yes, July 12th is a day that usually goes unnoticed, but the tears were surprisingly different this year. Maybe this date will go down in history, not as something tragic, but as a new beginning.

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44 thoughts on “Memories of Violent Crime & the Feelings.

  1. kat

    i am so pleased to hear you have reached the point where you are processing the emotions of that terrible event, that you will be able to put them to bed where they belong in the near future. you have done a lot of work to get to this point, and i believe you will be stronger as you push thru it.

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  2. Priceless Joy

    I too hope this date becomes a new beginning for you Cat. I cannot imagine what you must have gone through. I truly hope you are able to process the feelings you need to process to make this day a new beginning. Thanks for being so open with us about your therapy and healing.

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  3. Ellen

    We naturally move towards pleasure and away from pain, so to move towards pain does seem unnatural. Experiencing traumatic emotions is just so hard. Wishing you all the best for your new beginning.

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  4. therabbitholez

    I can’t even begin to imagine, but will say this, the efforts your making to put this event coupled with everything else in to some sort of context, is nothing short of amazing.

    You are truly a survivor, you have turned the corner to your journey back to life, which has been examined and found to be worth live living.

    Good for you. x

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    1. Cat Post author

      Thank you, Cay. When I first started this blog, my about age was titled “a tale too tragic to tell” because there just seemed to be so much shit that it was difficult to know how to tell. We tend to forget how far we’ve come

      Your comment contributes to the encouragement, thanks

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  5. mandy

    Cat, this really stood out to me: “I’ve never been able to connect with the emotions, BUT TODAY WAS DIFFERENT.” I always find it amazing, when it seems the days just connect, one day after another, into weeks, months years. And then, you get a day that is different. And that might just be the day that MAKES the difference. I get that feeling about this day for you, Cat. That it’s the one that those long-denied emotions might finally be experienced…Yes, it is frightening–but also necessary to move forward. And you, my special friend, are doing that. I continue to feel so proud of you and honored to share in your journey.

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    1. Cat Post author

      Sometimes it just clicks, Mandy, and I am also sure it’s the start of a new phase in therapy, albeit a rather difficult one. Thank you 🙂 and I am so glad you’re here sharing it too

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  6. lynettedavis

    Thanks for sharing this post. It gives me hope that one day will connect with the emotions of some of the events that I was just going through the motions. Your experience is truly helping others.

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    1. Cat Post author

      Going through the motions is a very important and necessary stage. It helps to defuse some of the trauma and probably even contributes to our knowledge and strength for the next leg of the journey. Thank you, Lynette

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  7. New Journey

    Just found your blog on Strong enough to Breaks blog post…my heart is aching for you…but what a strong, powerful woman you are, I as an outsider reading in…your one of the bravest women I have yet to meet…you took control of your life and did what you needed to do to survive….hooray for you…I am so sad that it has followed you for so many years…I hope that you are able to work through this and set yourself free like you did sooo many years ago….its a pleasure to met you and feel your courage you put into your words..you are a true survivor of the hate in this world…kathy aka Kat…lol

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    1. Cat Post author

      Hi Kathy… thank you for such a lovely comment. I wish I could see myself as strong, but it does make me feel good whenever someone else thinks so.

      You’re not the first person who has thought I am a woman, but last time I looked, I was all man 🙂 Your comment means a great deal, thanks.

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  8. betternotbroken

    I wish you a new beginning! You are strong, let the positive comments reach you inside. I am sorry for what you endured, but as other posters noted, you are already rising and overcoming, even though you will have days where the “feeling” alludes you and that is A-okay.

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  9. cardamone5

    You are doing wonderfully. You have so much courage, and I agree that regardless of the actual situation, facing raw emotions is terrifying. Keep the faith.

    Love,
    E

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  10. edwinasepisodes

    I hope that this year will be the last time you will cry on this dreadful anniversary Cat. You have done so well even in the short time I have been following your blog.. Keep strong x

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  11. Pingback: Mediocre Therapy | My Travels with Depression

  12. Glynis Jolly

    You don’t seem to be as emotional as you were… say six weeks ago. Back then, the memories of such an incident would have had you writing all sorts of things. In this post, you’re calm.

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    1. Cat Post author

      I was just thinking the very same thing, Glynis and this is what MBT therapy is all about, regulating emotions and ‘stuff’ like that. Interesting! Thank you.

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  13. D.G.Kaye

    Bravo Cat for making such great progress from a horrible incident. If you can see how far you’ve come, you can rest well, in knowing that next year when that date rolls around, you can look how much farther you will have come. 🙂

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    1. Cat Post author

      I truly hope so, Debby, thank you, it helps to have such lovely comments and feel the support from wonderful people from all over the world. How cool is that? 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

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      1. D.G.Kaye

        It’s very cool! It’s a great reason to write too. To get things out of our heads, and to receive positive, helpful, encouraging feedback. 🙂

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  14. FindingHerVoice

    Hey you! As a nominee of the Liebster Award, I have now nominated you for the same Award, but I will leave it up to you if you would like to accept or not! I see your lovely “award free blog” widget up and hate for you to have to take it down so I’ll leave it completely up to you!! Your blog has certainly been an inspiration so I certainly hope you do. The instructions and such can be found on my blog at the following link….http://momentortwo.com/2015/07/22/liebster-award-my-response-finally/
    Thank you!
    Suzanne (FindingHerVoice) 🙂

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