Ouch… Depression

57 Replies

I am not sure what is happening to me this week. I was feeling good on Sunday, probably the best in years, but I woke on Monday morning to that familiar gut wrenching depression. I’ve been here many times before, but experience does little to cushion the blow, or ease the fear of the unknown. No matter how acquainted we are with our own personal monster, there is always an element of uncertainty whenever ‘it’ comes to visit. How long will it stay… how grumpy will it be… will it rip my throat out… can I do anything to improve it. I’ve barely enough energy to function… barely the enthusiasm to get through the day.

I’ve asked myself many times if there’s an element of loss running through this. Paul made a sudden departure and group therapy ended. Even though I feel relieved for escaping the uncertainty, the disappointment is bound to cast a shadow over the closure. But, there’s not a lot I can do about Paul’s sickness and maybe this is a valuable lesson in acceptance.

The group Therapist emailed today. Even though I officially finished last Friday, she’s encouraging me to attend the last group before the Christmas holiday, which is this Friday. I don’t want to. I’m not sure what I can achieve by attending one last group, but I’ll certainly consider it.

There’s not a lot more I can say. Writing is extraordinary difficult, but I thought it’s important to try to connect.

57 thoughts on “Ouch… Depression”

  1. Anonymous

    Feel for you Cat. Depression rearing it’s ugly head again is frightening. I dread each occurrence of my episodes. Just wanted you to know that I am thinking of you. Doggy hugs 💓 for Jack. X

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  4. Cheryl-Lynn

    Ah, I feel for you and know that I am thinking of you. I hope today is less grey than yesterday. Sometimes solitude is a blessing and other times it is a sly interloper. You have made such huge strides! Take care of yourself, try not to analyse the why and pamper “you”. The therapy group seems to worry you because it is another “ending” and I get you. I often duck out on lasts and goodbyes. I wonder if you can take that meeting as a way to connect and arrange to have a few of you get together for a cuppa once a week or something…just an idea. This is also a challenging time of year for many. I keep thinking of “cloves” as a pick me upper…hope you find yours https://cheryllynnroberts.wordpress.com/2015/12/13/melancholy-haibun/

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    1. Cat Post author

      Hi Cheryl-Lynn… yes, ending are tough, very tough, although I tend to shy away because I don’t want to maintain contact… such a miserable old goat! Thanks for commenting, it helps 🙂

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  5. Priceless Joy

    I’m sorry to hear that you are feeling depressed Cat. I think this time of year is depressing for a lot of people. I found myself feeling blue and decided to pull myself out of it by thinking of the positive as much as possible. You have something else that you are dealing with Cat and that is loss. Your therapy was such an important part of your life and to have it abruptly end leaves a hole in your life, even though you were expecting it. I certainly was depressed when my first psychiatrist moved away. I had been going to him for 12 years. It takes awhile to fill your life with things that make you happy. But you will. I have no doubt you will fill your life with things that make you happy. The hard part is getting through the slump now. Do you have anyone you can talk to about how you are feeling? If you went to the last therapy session they want you to attend could you talk to them about how you are feeling? You’re always welcome to write to me. I have a great listening ear.

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    1. Cat Post author

      Hiyas Joy… Yes, this time of year can be a real bugger, although I’m usually okay as long as I don’t have to be around family during Christmas! As you say, that sense of loss could be real, it’s just I hate to admit it 🙂 I’m sure I’ll get through the slump. Thanks so much, Joy

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  6. Mandy

    “feeling good on Sunday, probably the best in years, but I woke on Monday morning to that familiar gut wrenching depression.” Your first paragraph, Cat, with those familiar words of feeling awesome one day and the next BAM! the monster is back. Just reading that hurts, as I am so familiar with it, angry at it, want to smash it to smithereens. I hate depression, knowing it can revisit like an uninvited, unwelcome guest…when you get the unwelcome “revisit” it doesn’t even matter than you know it will eventually leave,that it’ll have to because you’ll run out of food for it to survive, you’ll neglect it (we have to walk our dogs!) and then the sun will shine again.

    Maybe reconsider that last group meeting, Cat? You have nothing to lose besides a couple hours of your day (it might even piss off your unwelcome visitor 😀 ) and who knows, maybe you’ll find even one person you want to stay in touch with. I’m always on your side, Cat.

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    1. Cat Post author

      I could think of a good few bad words for that unwelcome guest, but I like to keep my blog clean from my foul language.

      I am considering the group on Friday. I had to go into the therapy service today and was quickly joined by the manager and the wonderful, DrJ. They are keen for me to attend, but it feels so hard and I’m not too sure why. I can only guess that sense of loss is greater than I thought, or care to admit 🙂

      We’ve already been for our main walk of the day. It seems Jack’s arthritis is showing signs this winter, but it doesn’t slow him down chasing the ball,.

      Thanks, Mandy, I hope today feels better for you

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  7. Jean

    if you can stomach them. There are a lot of reasons you might be depressed, but that doesn’t help much. You still feel awful. I think you were brave to write and hope you will continue to push yourself to do so. You have a lot of e-friends what want to know the good and bad things in your life.

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  9. lynettedavis

    I can certainly relate to the on again off again pattern of depression. It always leaves me feeling a little lost too. I think the official ending of group therapy has something to do with it. Any time we end something we’ve been doing for awhile, we’re bound to miss it.

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    1. Cat Post author

      I think you could be right, Lynette, and I will seriously consider one final group on Friday. I hope you’re feeling okay at the moment. Thank you for commenting, much appreciated 🙂

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  10. Dawn D

    Reading your first sentence reminds me of my own experience. I think I was/am slightly (a lot?) bipolar. I would be in denial until the very last minute, being bubbly, feeling GREAT! thank you!… hiding from myself that depression was back. Then I’d fall into a pit.
    I think with you, part of it is grief. You are grieving that part of your life where you had support through individual and group therapy. And it’s hard!
    I’m sending you loving thoughts to help you through the dark days. May they be few!
    XOXO

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    1. Cat Post author

      Hi Dawn… sorry for the delay in replying, but the PC caught a ruddy virus and I’ve spent a couple of days rectifying…tut. Yes, I think you may be right about part of it being grief related. Thank you for your thoughts, they help 🙂

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      1. Dawn D

        Oh Cat, I’m sorry about the PC failing again, then the oven and fridge joining it… I’m glad you could see some fun in this series of events, because it’s always better to laugh than to cry 🙂
        I wish you Happy Holidays Cat, hope you find some joy in this busy time of the year.
        XO

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  11. drgeraldstein

    I won’t try to interpret your depression, only say I feel for you. As far as attending the group, I sometimes try to think of behavior in terms of default tendencies. We usually learn more from breaking the routine than by sticking to it. Of course, breaking the routine often is uncomfortable and not every default must be challenged at every moment. All the best, Cat.

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  13. hbhatnagar

    Not the worst idea, a session before the holidays, no? I hope you feel better soon, I’m in the same boat with you since about the middle of last week, so you’re not alone (if that helps).

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    1. Cat Post author

      Eeek, sorry your feeling the same, this time of year doesn’t help. Yer, a session, especially the last one, before Christmas isn’t such a great idea. Hope things improve for you soon and thank you so much for connecting.

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  14. Ellen

    I really relate to the way depression can disable you and make a day almost impossible to get through. Just went through some days of that myself – horrible. If it was me in your situation, I know I’d be grieving the loss of my therapy. Don’t know if that’s it for you, but it was such an important part of your life – it would be pretty human to miss it, at least the good parts.

    Hope you’re better soon Cat.

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    1. Cat Post author

      Hi Ellen… oddly enough, I did think of your recent post when I was at the lowest, it does help to know other people totally get it. I reckon it is grief for the end of therapy It was a delayed reaction because I was so pissed with Paul. As soon as I calmed, the grief kicked in. I’ve decided not to attend the group tomorrow. I’m just starting to feel a little better and the last thing I want is to slump in time for Christmas. Thanks, Ellen

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  15. D. Wallace Peach

    Sorry you’re feeling blue, Cat, and good for you for writing despite how hard it is. You just lost some important relationships, even if they weren’t perfect. Feeling the loss is natural and may take some time to work through. The work of growth isn’t over, it never is for any of us. Now is the time to start filling your time with friends and with things you love to do. Be open and creative and gentle with yourself.

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    1. Cat Post author

      Hi Diana… sorry for the delay replying, but I had yet more PC troubles. Yes, loss sounds likely, although there seems to have been a delayed reaction, due to the distraction of Paul’s absence. It’s all starting to make sense and my mood wasn’t as bad today. The fear of the unknown – how far the depression will go – always gets me the most.

      Many thanks Diana

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  16. RisingSong

    I’m sorry you’re not feeling well, Cat. It’s good that you’re writing and trying to stay connected. That made a huge difference for me during my last episode (which I’m still kind of dealing with). I can imagine that ending therapy may spinoff some serious separation anxiety, especially the way things ended with Paul. Please stay connected and be good to yourself.

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      1. edwinasepisodes

        My head is just full of rubbish at the moment Cat, but I am doing my best to battle through it. Sorry you are still having technical difficulties. I am really happy to hear from you and hope that you are ok 🙂

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  18. Glynis Jolly

    Cat, with it being so close to Christmas and there’s also the decline in daylight hours, could it possibly be a case of seasonal depression? If so, turn on lights, take walks, and talk to people (chitchat). This type of depression hits many, including me. I think you’ll make it through.

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    1. Cat Post author

      I don’t usually suffer from SAD, I actually love wintertime. It’s probably more about the change of therapy ending bla bla bla… but, I’m feeling better today… um, better not talk too soon 🙂 Thanks Glynis

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  19. dgkaye

    I’m sorry to hear this Cat. But we’re all glad you wrote about it here. It’s important for you to connect and not stay reclusive within yourself and your monsters. Perhaps really consider going to the last session, maybe you can shake something out of you there.
    I also think the upcoming holidays tend to take a toll on people’s emotions, even on many who don’t carry around monsters. But the holidays can tend to bring on melancholia for so many. I’m hoping you see the light again soon, and wishing you happy holidays. 🙂

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    1. Cat Post author

      Hi Debbie… I’m feeling a little better, although I don’t know why because I’ve had PC issues again, the oven door came off in my hand and then the fridge decided to pack up… so, I’ve spent way too much money on new kitchen appliances today. We can only laugh at ourselves, eh? I will probably give the group a miss tomorrow because it would only make me feel like a dog’s poo poo again 🙂 Thank you, Debbie, your kind words really do help.

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      1. dgkaye

        I’m glad if I helped. And maybe this will help. . .I had to lol envisioning an over door coming off and a fridge packing up. I know it’s not funny at all, but like you said, sometimes we just gotta laugh! 🙂

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  20. manyofus1980

    you did the right thing in connecting I find connecting with others during an intense depressive episode always helps! Sending hugs and I am sorry things are so hard right now. X

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