Pulling it together

I want to say a HUGE thank you to everyone for offering such kind words (and likes) of comfort and support.  Those comments are what helped me through the initial stages of utter grief and disbelief.  This week has been busy, which is helping to process the situation gradually.  Unfortunately, I haven’t been able to keep up with blogs, but I know everyone will understand.

It’s almost been a week since my little Oscar passed away.  I suppose I’m lucky to reach fifty without experiencing any kind of significant loss through death.  Nothing could have prepared me for the rollercoaster ride of emotions.  Just as I am starting to get it together, something else sets me off.  I suppose there is a general process, but it’s completely alien to me. 

I actively maintain my isolation.  Loneliness is not something I’m familiar with.  However, processing my recent loss alone means the aloneness feels very potent.  This is why everyone’s support in the blogging community has meant more than you could ever know.

It’s the last writing class tomorrow.  Our final project is to write approximately 1,000 words, focussing on a part of recovery from mental illness.  We get the chance to share it at the end and then put it forward for the next publication of their Recovery book.  However, recent events have completely thrown me off course.

As my last post about Oscar also incorporates recovery, I decided to use it as the final class project.  I did a huge editing job on the original post and then simply did a copy & paste job.  I’m not sure if my emotions will hold out long enough to read it aloud tomorrow.  It would mean a lot to me, so I will try.

Tonight, I’m exhausted.  I’ve had a decorator here for three days.  My living room looks great; new paper and complete paint job.  I seem to be processing my sadness through deep cleaning.  I feel it might be easier on Missy if she didn’t smell Oscar everywhere.  It feels like a productive way of moving on.

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30 thoughts on “Pulling it together

  1. Shaz Goldie

    Dear Cat, I don’t think we realise just how bad we will feel when we loose a beloved pet. They become part of our lives. You know my thoughts are with you.

    I do hope your class goes well tomorrow. I will be thinking of you.

    Shaz x

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  2. vicbriggs

    I have been there myself a few years back. It’s never easy and I don’t even know what I could say to help. Remember all the good times. That’s helped me and I hope it helps you too. x

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    1. Cat Post author

      Thank you, Vic. I’m sure I will remember the good times. It’s just that recent months were not going well with him. He was evidently developing behavioral issues and it did make life difficult at times. Time is a great healer, I know.

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      1. vicbriggs

        Time is a great healer, but there is no greater healer than our own inner strength. Sometimes we forget that it is there, but it never leaves us.
        Warm regards,
        Vic

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  3. myspokenheart

    Loss is a difficult road as it is never the same form one loss to the next. But grief needs to be embraced and worn for a while. Only then can you truly let it go and be able to move forward. *hugs*

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    1. Cat Post author

      Andrea… you are so right about embracing our grief. I keep telling myself that it is the only way to heal. After 14 years, it will take a bit of getting used to. It seems to leave such a huge gap at the moment. The circumstances surrounding why he had to be put to sleep are proving more difficult to process. I suppose it is still early days

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  4. DissociativeBonny

    You will always have memories of you fur baby. Thankfully they cannot be taken from us.

    My thoughts are with you. It isn’t easy being where you are. We are listening and we are here for you.

    keep well.
    bonny

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  5. Susan Irene Fox

    My thoughts and prayers are with you. Cleaning is therapeutic for me, too. Looking forward to hear how the class goes, and wonder if you would be willing to share your final essay. Would feel honored to read it if you feel comfortable posting. Love to you.

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    1. Cat Post author

      Hi Susan. My last post, “My final respects to Oscar” was what I used for my final piece of writing. I did actually edit most of it here on my blog first, so it’s quite different to the original version. I then shared in class today. There wasn’t a dry eye, including my own. I couldn’t read the last two paragraphs, someone did that for me.

      Thank you for such strong support.

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  6. Athena Brady

    Hi Cat, you are doing so well and I am so proud of you. Despite, feeling the loss of your beloved Oscar so keenly, you are still moving forward. Decorating, to help Missy that is so lovely and still attending your writing classes. You say that people who visit here don,t know how much it means to you. Well don,t forget that you mean a lot to us all too. In bearing your own pain and journey so openly and honestly, you are helping countless other people. Remember always Cat, we love you and are hear for you and I am sure Oscar is with you too, right by your side, real love never dies.

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    1. Cat Post author

      Hi Athena. The decorating and deep cleaning is the only way I know how to process all this and help Missy, Jack and me move on. Thank you for such kind words. They are a great comfort. I believe we are all from the animal kingdom. If we have spirits, then so must they. Oscar’s love is certainly by our side

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  7. Gel

    Hi Cat,
    I traveling through some grief over the loss of animal friends too. You said it well when you wrote of the loneliness. I didn’t anticipate feeling lonely because I still have my beloved cat and my husband. So I was surprised when that was one of my hurts this last week. I’m really glad you have been sharing this with the blog community – you attract a lot of wonderful people here. Its good to hear that its been helpful.

    This turn of events where you will share your story of Oscar as your final project seems perfect. I’m trying to remember when someone or something I love dies (or leaves), and my heart breaks with the pain, that it will open my heart to deeper compassion, even though in the midst of feeling it is so so hard.

    xx

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    1. Cat Post author

      Hi Gel

      When our “animal friends” are no longer here, it leaves such a gap in our daily lives.

      You write such lovely words of encouragement, they are so very comforting to me at the moment. I was able to share my final piece of writing today at our final writing class. There wasn’t a dry eye! Such a lovely tribute to my darling Oscar.

      I also believe that through our pain, we gain deeper compassion and understanding.

      Thank you, Gel

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  8. sensuousamberville

    Hey Cat. Yes there is a process to grief. Steps and stages. Knowing this changes nothing, and it is different for everyone, not everyone just as in individual people, but with each passing too as Andrea said. It is just hard to lose a loved one. They do live on in our memories though and this is so important.

    Many, when they lose a pet, will go sneak looks at new puppies or kittens. and wonder. Perhaps bring one home. To help replace that empty feeling we have. It does no dishonor to the one that is in our memories to do this, they would love that we were happy as this is what they always tried to do, to make us happy. There is a lot of excitement with a new one in the house, as we play with them, we still fondly remember too our Oscars.

    I wish to add also, A pet, this member of our family, they are very important, they do have magical powers at helping us cope sometimes. This is a proven thing, this power they have. The pheromone exchange, the chemicals they can release in our brains. They are good for us.

    *hugs*
    Amber

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    1. Cat Post author

      Hi Amber

      It is hard and I’m sure the nicer memories will return in time. Thank you o much for such nice words of comfort. *hugs*

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  9. RisingSong

    Cat, I have read your revised version of Oscar’s post, and it is beautiful, poignant and touching. I hope you will be able to read it aloud in your class as isy our wish. I can understand how this would mean so much to you.

    What you are doing for Missy is so thoughtful and kind. I am awed that, in the midst of your grief, you are able to think and do for another in this way. You are strong, and you inspire me. Thank you for sharing your journey with us.

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    1. Cat Post author

      Thank you, that is very sweet of you to say. I’m pleased you like my revised version. I did read some of it and someone read the last part.

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  10. littlevoicetalks

    Cat, wishing you lots of fortitude and inner strength tomorrow. You will do it with Oscar’s love in your heart. And with that, you can do anything.

    LV x

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    1. Cat Post author

      Thank you so much. I did manage to read most of it. To share it in our final therapy writing class was a nice way of processing the grief.

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  11. ziggy40

    Dear Cat,
    Thinking of you, I lost a dog many years ago and it is a process of grieving. Sending healing, comforting thoughts at this difficult time. I hope your final, ‘writing class’ went well! I’m glad the community could help support you in your loss…….lol
    Love Ziggy

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    1. Cat Post author

      Thank you, Ziggy. Yes, the final writing class went well and reading my last post to them made everyone cry. It was a nice way of helping to process the grief
      *big hugs*

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