Uncertain

Last week’s individual session with Paul was a little strange. It felt a bit chaotic. Not surprising since that was exactly how my mind had been feeling.

I arrived at therapy without the usual well-rehearsed agenda. I’ve been trying to do this on recent appointments. The spontaneity is largely successful, but last week was different. I didn’t know what to talk about and the paranoia had me gazing at the floor more than usual.

We talked a bit about the bullying. This admission was huge at our last session, but I couldn’t be bothered going into it too much. I’ve always wondered why I was a chronic people-pleaser; why I would go out my way to ensure everyone would like rather than persecute and how I would be wracked with guilt for letting anyone down.

I stumbled around for something more to talk about. Before I knew it, we were back to the inherently bad relationship I have with my parents. In retrospect, I may well be offering snippets of information that attempts to justify why I avoid them to such an extent. Perhaps I attempt to talk my way out of guilt.

When I was getting ready to leave, something happened. At first, I didn’t understand, so left without saying another word. As each day past, the frustration only multiplied by this weird inability to connect with the same past that once caused so much emotional turmoil.

Last night I wrote for a few hours about all the reasons why the gap between my parents and I only widened with the years. The memories were the same but the anger and guilt just were not there. Even odder, is when I realised today that the associated rumination seems to have dissolved.

Maybe I should be jumping for joy, finally able to feel some inner peace from doing all the hard work in therapy. Instead, I feel suspicious and wonder if there are two potential scenario’s at play. Either there’s been a total shift in perspective or I’m experiencing a dissociation episode. I have no idea.

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25 thoughts on “Uncertain

  1. mandy

    I really connect with your though process, Cat. I’ve felt overjoyed in the last few months that I don’t ruminate nearly as much. And I, too, have wondered if it means I’m just shoving it away again. But now I wonder if it’s not that it really does dissolve as we do the “work.” I’d like to think that’s what’s happening.

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    1. Cat Post author

      Hi Mandy… I also like to think that’s what’s happening. I heard or read somewhere recently about how our brain starts to think differently as we begin to “heal”. It does feel odd not to be ruminating… actually, everything about it feels alien, but it feels good all the same!

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      1. mandy

        I love your comment, Cat. As soon as I read it, this cartoon came to mind: A guy goes in to see his Dr., worried out of his mind. Dr asks: “What’s wrong?” Guy: “I don’t know–I feel GOOD!” It’s funny, when we begin moving away from what we’ve always known, even if it was a bad place, we feel discombobulated! I’m so glad you’re moving away from that place!

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        1. Cat Post author

          Okay, so I just had to look that word up in the dictionary!! And I love the joke. It’s so true, this does feel unusual and I can’t help but feel a little dazed… I really didn’t expect it to happen this way. I liked what Gel said in an earlier comment about healing happening in layers. So, I like to think one of the top layers has been processed and “healed”. I’m sure there are plenty more dips and curves but… bring it on!!

          Thank you Mandy for your support, it makes such a difference.

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  2. jadedghost

    I too rehearse what I want o say before I go to therapy. And there are sometimes I like you did, go in without an agenda and I too find myself looking at the floor and expect my therapist to ask questions.

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    1. Cat Post author

      I usually practice scenario’s in my head for almost everything. I’m so paranoid about looking the fool if I’m ever stuck for something to say. I’m glad your Therapist helps you out of the floor-gazing, it can feel so uncomfortable if they just sit staring at us.

      Thank you for commenting

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  3. Eric Tonningsen

    I would consider jumping for joy, Cat. Your “weird inability to connect with the same past…” may be a positive disconnect and breakthrough! Another way in which to consider your experience and feelings.

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  4. kat

    could be a perception shift, or some dissociation. but it could be that that set of memories has also been processed…you have been carrying the emotions for that memory, those emotions that should have stayed with the memory, in the past, but didn’t bc they were so traumatic. but now, you have (maybe, hopefully) let go of those emotions and they have finally gone back to the past with the memory itself, instead of with you now. that could be why the memory is no longer powerful, no longer has control over you. now its just another memory, like any other, that has no hold on you in the present.

    just my opinion, but i hope it is that way!

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    1. Cat Post author

      Hi Kat… as the days go by, I am beginning to believe those emotions are fading into the past, rather than dissociating. I am grateful for all the support you offer, thank you

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  5. Gel

    Sounds like part of the growth process to me. As I was reading I thought of how healing often goes in layers….as one layer is removed or processed there is a relief and a sense of completion. But then later another layer will emerge to be processed. And so on. I think it is a good aspect of healing that it goes in phases with periods of relief so we can rest, assimilate and have some joy too. So jumping with joy is totally appropriate if you feel that.

    i also thought of the concept of ‘detachment’. A healthy detachment is not being triggered or emeshed with other people’s stuff or past stuff, One can be caring and detached at the same time. Maybe that is how it’s different than dissociation or simply being so self centered as to not care about others.

    About your last paragraph….maybe it’s BOTH. Maybe you’ve had a shift in perspective due to doing a lot of hard work, AND there could be some dissociation.

    In any case I think being uncertain, as you’ve described, is a good thing in that it shows that you are moving forward. Moving into new territory would have some uncertainty to it since it’s new.

    ☆☆ ♡♡

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    1. Cat Post author

      I think you’re right about healing in layers and I am starting to believe this experience is the first sense of a small changes that I’ve ever had, so no surprise I’m uncertain. It is an odd feeling and I’m still a little dazed by it, almost like I don’t quite know how to process. My Therapist seemed to think I have too much awareness/clarity for this to be all about dissociation

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  6. mandy

    Lol, I have to look up some of your words, too, Cat 🙂 I agree about the healing in layers. It goes back to peeling the layers back, like an onion, until you get to the root of the rot. Someone said the other day, the goal is becoming a whole healthy onion again. Life is a journey, Cat, plain and simple. I’m glad I’ve got you along for the ride, too! ♥

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      1. mandy

        I have a Mac so at the top I click Edit, and then at the bottom is Special Characters (with all kinds of stuff!) Smileys will come automatic on WP if you do: : – ) (only next to each other.) You can change the smile by making your last key a ( or D or P ) Hope this makes sense! 😉 😀

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  7. manyofus1980

    Sorry sessions have been so difficult lately with the not knowing where to start what to say etc etc. I hate dissociation so much. You did the right thing by writing a list of all the reasons…lists are good! XX

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