Therapy – Moving Forward

I am not sure what I expected to happen when the childhood trauma finally faded into the past. Maybe I envisaged bright colourful healing lights with life changing eureka moments, but my own experience of “renewal” has crept up so slowly, I almost didn’t notice.

I was apprehensive about therapy with Paul yesterday, mainly because I couldn’t think17423085-3d-small-people--with-a-question-mark of anything to say. We’ve spent months analysing my experience of childhood trauma and the ambiguous family relationships, but these have finally run out of gas.

Turning up for a fifty-minute therapy session without any kind of agenda will run the risk of hitting a wall of painful silence, but I’ve learned in recent weeks that these are often the most powerful sessions.

The Psychiatrist – the wonderful Dr J – used to say, “Whenever you don’t feel like coming to therapy, those are the times when you need to attend the most.” She never did offer an explanation, but the glint in her eye said, ‘try it and see’.

I’m still not entirely sure what it achieves, other than to force someone to sit with the discomfort, and maybe this is the purpose of the exercise, so off I trundled to therapy yesterday afternoon.

thLPKB5TKTI told Paul that the door to my past has firmly closed behind me and now I only see this vast empty space, and this represents my life and the near future. It is my opportunity to build a new existence, but I am apprehensive about pottering around a strange environment.

Paul and I talked about the fear, which didn’t altogether make sense. I did the professional life once before. Of course, I couldn’t waltz back into the same jobs today and there is still the ‘little’ problem of PTSD and Agoraphobia to overcome, but retraining is not out of the question.

Of course, it would be an enormous challenge and I am not even sure if funding (at my age) would make this dream a reality. As we were exploring this, it felt as if there was something more than fear that was potentially holding me back.

And then it happened, a true eureka-therapy-moment, a very small and simple realisation with an enormous potential for healing. I heard my subconscious speak the words that accurately describe my fears for moving forwards. “I’ve completely lost faith in myself.” I bowed my head.

The enormity of those words hovered in the silent space between Paul and me. “How can I trust myself after all these years of running… hiding… and failing.”

Last night I realised the significance of our session. I can barely believe this is little-ol-broken-me, thinking and actually talking of a future. I remember an appointment with my Psychiatrist three years ago, “I no longer want to get better,” I confessed in despair, “Not if it means reconnecting with life or building relationships again.”

Only last year, it didn’t feel possible to get to where I am today, when the positivethNKAGMHVY thoughts start to outweigh the negative ones and suddenly there is a future waiting just ahead. As it happens, Yes, I do want to get better and, yes, I do want to connect with life again.

I think this is progress.

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34 thoughts on “Therapy – Moving Forward

  1. Priceless Joy

    This seems like a huge step to me. Isn’t it wonderful to be able to pause and look back and see all the progress that you have made since beginning Therapy? I know, from reading your posts, that you have worked hard at becoming better. Although I can understand the feeling that you have lost faith in yourself, I can tell you from my point of view that you have huge reasons to have faith in yourself. You have huge reasons to be proud of yourself and pat yourself on the back. You have been climbing an enormous mountain and now you get to enjoy the view.

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      1. Priceless Joy

        I think it is true and I really do admire you Cat. I admire you for the strength that you have and the kindness and understanding you have for others that have suffered through this. You’re an inspiration.

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  2. therabbitholez

    You I said the same thing,I lost faith in myself, it hit hard, but what I can say is that your faith can be rebuilt, brick by brick, I can’t say new and improved, but certainly with a better understanding of yourself, which in itself gives you confidence and the drive to keep moving forwards.

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  3. myspokenheart

    Beautiful! This truly made me smile Cat, You are doing so well, you are beginning to find life and live again, instead of just existing while remembering life or occasionally dreaming about living. ((BIG HUGS))

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  4. Andi

    This is incredible to read. True, real life progress made from facing the darkness and discomfort and pushing through. Wonderful post.

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  5. mandy smith

    No lights or or bottle-rockets going off, Cat? Kind of unsettling, isn’t it? I had the same expectation about healing, reaching the end of my journey and putting the past behind. It was bittersweet when it proved different–no bells and sirens to celebrate. But I’d say the desire for a future is pretty spectacular. It’s the coming to terms with days that still feel “So, what now?” and not thinking that means we aren’t still moving forward. Because there sure ARE days of feeling over the moon with happiness and gratitude for where things have progressed.
    I think that Dr. that said, ““Whenever you don’t feel like coming to therapy, those are the times when you need to attend the most.” was spot-on. And whenever we wonder, “What now?”, all I can say is–just wait! 🙂

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    1. Cat Post author

      It’s pretty amazing to be thinking of any future, Mandy, but it is equally scary and there are one or two BIG issues I need to deal with before I can progress any further and this will be difficult to face up to, so your “bittersweet” is spot on, as always!. Thank you, Mandy 🙂

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      1. mandy smith

        The big issues will take patience, Cat. But see what you’ve done so far–and I’ll bet there was a time you didn’t think you’d be where you are today. I have every bit of faith in your determination to see it through. ❤

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  6. Glynis Jolly

    I can’t imagine what it’s like to lose faith in yourself. Sure, sometimes a person will get stuck, but the faith is still there. It took courage to just blurt out that deep feeling with in you. Yes, that is definitely progress if you ask me. ❤

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    1. Cat Post author

      It’s horrible, Glynis, if I’m entirely honest, but this is what I need to face up to. It’s bittersweet. On the one hand, I am relieved to be finally moving on from the past, yet dreading the things I need to face up to in the present moment….urgh…who said therapy would ever be easy. Thanks, Glynis your validation means a lot

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  7. Pingback: Secrets | My Travels with Depression

  8. fromthedarkintothesunshine42

    You incredibly inspiring cat and I’m so glad to be able to follow your blog..
    It seems the past few posts have leaped in bounds and I think you amazing the hard work you’ve put in to getting here ..it only gives me hope to I’ll soon be another to raise victory along side you !
    Take care lisa

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