I was tired of play-acting – pretending that I am a “normal” adult, when all along this soul is stuck within a traumatic childhood, unable to develop and incapable of growing up. The general expectations of society are lost on me; it is not something I have ever been a part of – only a reluctant participant, at times a bystander.
I’m still living in my carefully constructed bubble, completely detached from life.
However, there is a shift of awareness and certainly an improvement in the depression.
The fact is, I don’t know how to forgive and move on. There is a worrying reluctance to re-join life – no desire to do the things that other people consider important. There is no great ambition to work, to own things, or networking with colleagues and new friends. This is a huge obstacle in my recovery.
While recovery means different things for each of us, there is a belief that it is attainable for everyone. A persons determination to get better by facing issues, managing their illness and making decisions/plans for change, is the sort of self-management process that professionals might expect of someone “recovering” from mental illness.
Apathy – Oh! And the avoidance issues – are my biggest challenges. The idea of recovery is great, but the process of how to get there is not so appealing. I suspect it is more about what people expect that push me towards the goal posts.
The nasty side of me says I am a waste of space, useless and I feel great shame for being such a drain on society.
The more tolerant side believes that when we start to think of recovery, we are already on the threshold of major change. Maybe it is not so much about a set process, as it is about our on-going personal development.
Recovering from mental illness includes everything – mind, body, and spirit. Of course, re-joining society comes into play at some stage. We need to take everything at our own unique pace.
I am trying to view my situation differently by measuring success in terms of the small achievements, including spiritual/self-awareness, rather than anything material. There is hope that all the other important things will eventually fall into place.
Cat, I have some thoughts for you, I am in NO WAY a therapist, but I am an observer, a people watcher…. these are my insights and thoughts and are NOT medical advice… but perhaps they could be a good starting point…
You mention the inability to forgive. So perhaps you should forget about trying to forgive those who have hurt you at this point and focus in on yourself. Forgive yourself for allowing the hurt to build, forgive yourself for being unable to accept yourself – for seeing you through their eyes instead of your own, forgive yourself for all the negative self talk.
Also I know that you have BPD, which means you have abandonment issues, so maybe a place to start would be taking a look at how you have abandoned yourself… by not accepting and loving yourself, you have left yourself vulnerable… moving through this and learning to at least see yourself as a person with worth and value would be a huge step towards forgiving others… it is very hard to forgive people for treating you as less than when you yourself believe that you are less than…
I just want you to know, you are NOT less than… you area human being with a beating heart, and world of emotion and that makes you special, valuable and wonderful… as always I am routing for you… MSH
I am so sorry but I’ve just noticed this reply to my post. I’m truly appreciative of your feedback. You make some very valid points. Forgiving myself would be a good starting point . It also wouldn’t be the first time I’ve thought I might have abandoned myself.
Your comments are always appreciated, thank you
I am thankful you don’t mind me commenting… I am glad you got what I was saying and didn’t take offense or read anything in a way it was not intended… hugs