I was tired of play-acting – pretending that I am a “normal” adult, when all along this soul is stuck within a traumatic childhood, unable to develop and incapable of growing up. The general expectations of society are lost on me; it is not something I have ever been a part of – only a reluctant participant, at times a bystander.
However, there is a shift of awareness and certainly an improvement in the depression.
The fact is, I don’t know how to forgive and move on. There is a worrying reluctance to re-join life – no desire to do the things that other people consider important. There is no great ambition to work, to own things, or networking with colleagues and new friends. This is a huge obstacle in my recovery.
While recovery means different things for each of us, there is a belief that it is attainable for everyone. A persons determination to get better by facing issues, managing their illness and making decisions/plans for change, is the sort of self-management process that professionals might expect of someone “recovering” from mental illness.
Apathy – Oh! And the avoidance issues – are my biggest challenges. The idea of recovery is great, but the process of how to get there is not so appealing. I suspect it is more about what people expect that push me towards the goal posts.
The nasty side of me says I am a waste of space, useless and I feel great shame for being such a drain on society.
The more tolerant side believes that when we start to think of recovery, we are already on the threshold of major change. Maybe it is not so much about a set process, as it is about our on-going personal development.
I am trying to view my situation differently by measuring success in terms of the small achievements, including spiritual/self-awareness, rather than anything material. There is hope that all the other important things will eventually fall into place.